Ryan, Aubrey, Aiden, Oliver

Christmas 2011

2012-01-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

The Christmas Holiday began on December 22 at the McMillan's of high Draper. It was a fantastic evening, and I, as usual saw two of my favorite people. ;-) I also saw their parents, and because they are some of our favorite people, we chose to shower their parents with goodies, as to celebrate the birth of their kids.

Then, on the 23rd Christmas continued at my awesome sister's house of American Fork, just near the marina. The evening was equally exiting, as we celebrated with cousins and family. Aiden sobbed over a Christmas game that didn't end in his favor, then sobbed over not being able to live with his cousins. Oliver sobbed too. They sob every time they leave the company of their favorite cousins. I just comfort. I have no idea how to handle it. We got to hang with my brother's kids as well, who had brought girl friends....talk about a trip. Talk about make a person feel super old. I was that aunt that

had kids and a lame life....wow. Little did we know something larger than we could fathom was brewing.

Oh Christmas flu oh Christmas flu!!!

On Christmas eve I sang and sang and sang some more. My brother and all of his kids came, and his wife. Ryan's family came and partook in the beautiful bounty of Christmas music. I left the church at 1 am and returned at 1:20 to a husband hunched over in pain. My brother told me that his son was quite ill and had already had some episodes. I felt bad.

The Christmas flu unfolded on our home and I was there to make sure all was okay. Ryan and Oliver were in pain and not doing so hot. It was a giant bummer. It is really hard to be excited about presents when you don't feel well. It is also hard to get excited about presents when you are watching someone throw up every 10 minutes or cleaning up after them. None the less, it was a magical day. Both of Ryan's parents came over (at separate times) to bring Christmas cheer. It was a bit awkward because Ryan was green and lying on the couch. Oliver cared not about his stocking or toys. They really were grateful, and are so excited about their gifts. The timing was just not in our favor.

Later Christmas day I called both of my siblings, and one of their kids were sick as well!!!! Then I called my mother, and my stepfather was sick also!!!!! I called my brother back and we laughed about being poisoned. We knew it wasn't the case, but we still laughed. I then took the role of being the youngest child and thought it was my fault for about an hour. Then I realized there was no way it was. But being the youngest, it is like your obligation to take accountability for disasters...:-)

Each present that was opened one person would run to the bathroom to throw up. I cleaned up a lot of throw up.

Two days later I looked at the hospital bill for Oliver's Phenomena, and everyone was better. We are STILL paying for that stay. I would prefer the stomach flu any day.

The few photos we have of Christmas are taken by Ryan. Notice the vantage point from the couch: Laying down.

The boys got snow shoes!!! we are happy happy happy people.

Tender souls

2011-12-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

Christmas magnifies everything that is right with the world. I know I grumble about all the things I have to do, and all the singing...and etc. Deep down, I love Christmas...and I love all the things I HAVE to do this time of year.

The first thing I do every year is sing at a senior center. This year I sang Maria's Lullaby by Reger...it was a moment. The audience of the most grateful people I could hope to sing for, gasped when I first started singing. There were no Iphones and no one had anything more important to think about. The look in their eyes while I was singing almost made me sob. But instead, I thought about how much they must need, want, and cherish music and then I am reminded to sing for them.

Then I went and did more singing. It is really hard, yet amazing to sing during Christmas. Without fail, every year I am told that Music brings them closer to feeling the spirit of Christmas. And then I get tired and cranky, and I want to withdraw and take care of me.

One morning while I was baking, Oliver was close at hand and watching me. After some time of quiet observation, he looked up at me and asked why we get presents on Christmas. He insisted, that baby Jesus should get the presents, and we should definitely make him a cake. With spiderman webbs and lots of icing. He also reminded me that I throw very good parties, and Jesus should get one. I smiled and hugged him for what seemed like a lifetime.

I instantly remembered my childhood. Weird right? I am now a blubbering mess, as I type it. But at the moment when questioned I just reflected on my childhood, and what I remembered most about Christmas.

I remember the people. My childhood was one that I remember because of the people that were in it....not just my buddies, but the absolute strangers that were touched for various reasons.

Like the Christmas that my mom took a homeless person to seven eleven to stock up on food. My mother did not have a lot at the time, but she wanted to make sure this homeless woman had food. So we packed her in the car and took her to the sev. I can remember the wrinkles on her face. I stared at her not because she made me uncomfortable, but because I couldn't even fathom the idea of living in someone else's shoes. I think I was eight years old, and I realized that everyone had insides just like mine. But I would never know what it felt like to be her. Each time she reached for something to eat, she would look over at my mother for approval. My mother would nod, and she would add another item to her list of wants. I think this was the first time I had ever seen real gratitude. She thanked my mother repeatedly for the four hot dogs, and other items, and then went out into the cold. To this day I remember the look on her face as she poured the ketchup on her dog. My mother rarely had money for gas in her car and often cried when her tank was full.

Another Christmas, my father jetted us to the ZCMI to do his famous last minute shopping. He was a bachelor and did not have time for wrapping, or any of the other things one must have for packages. After he selected all the gifts we stood in line waiting for someone to wrap our gifts. In all honesty I always felt so uncomfortable in my skin around my father. But this Christmas as I stood there in line waiting I learned something valuable about the old man. The woman wrapping gifts was in her late forties with band aids all over her fingers, her hands were shaking, and she looked like she would cry any second. After she wrapped our gifts my father handed her a fifty dollar bill. He insisted even though she tried to give it back. Her eyes welled up with tears and my father just smiled at her. "Merry Christmas to you" he said.

This year, our children have reminded me over and over just how important this celebration of Christ is.

Aiden was trying to find my cell phone one morning, insisting that we should just call the homeless and have them over for breakfast or dinner. He has reminded me every day that the school is gathering clothes, and coins for their charity drive this winter. Aiden's excitement over the coats, and warm clothes I had purchased, for other kids was amazing. He is so excited that other kids will be warm. He reminds me every day that the school has raised money and is buying fabric to make blankets. He tells me about the assemblies they have about others who have less, and the importance of giving.

He has only asked for one thing for Christmas. And he only asked once.

I don't remember a single toy from Christmas as a child. I shamefully admit that I opened all of my gifts one year before Christmas and wrapped them back up. I also won't deny acting super surprised on Christmas morning.

This Year I asked Santa for a 4.0.

I know that sometimes posts like this sound trite. But in all honesty, Christmas already came this year.

Christmas came full circle this year and illuminated my childhood experiences with my parents. Perhaps I will throw that party and bake that cake!

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

A picture is worth a thousand words

2011-12-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

Eight and a half years ago, the very talented Carrie Butler took our engagement photos, and our wedding photos. Now she is a phenomenon and taking incredible photos. Pictures that capture moments. I was spoiled having a father and sister who could take amazing photos. Carrie's ability to capture personality is what I love the very most. She also has a keen eye for setting up a very beautifully balanced and artistic photo. I am a sucker for candid moments that just show the nature of humans as they are. I sometimes feel my heart skip when a photographer captures just that....she totally does.

My favorite thing about Carrie is her honesty. Not her willingness to bring others down, or point out a person's flaws. Her own honesty regarding life and its ups and downs and saying things as they are without judgment.

Both of these photos are the result of Carries having a conversation with our boys...

The kids NEVER want to take photos. I actually despise setting up a time and taking photos because our kids hate it. That's right, our kids turn into angry children whom I then wonder if they are disturbed and need counseling. We do much better if we just go out and do something fun and randomly take photos. But, I have a gooey center, and I want family pictures!!!!

I love our photos and I am so grateful to her. I think my favorite thing about our kids is their insides...and I love having photos that document that!

Time flies, and children change...or rather, adapt to the changes....

2011-11-15T16:23:00.001-07:00

It feels foreign to me that this was just yesterday, or was it? It feels like I blinked and my kids spoke, and asserted their needs, and went to school, and started going to the bathroom on their own....

Then I realize that when you are upside down in love with your kids, it flies because every new beginning is just as precious as the day they were born.

My heart skips every time Aiden blows me a kiss and then catches mine as he walks into first grade. I am all aflutter when I pick up Oliver and he gives me every detail of his school day, including the details about the girls in his class that told him how babies are made.

Recently, we had a little conversation about why mommy and daddy started a family...they told me that they wanted us to be a family forever. I told them that their father and I had sworn and promised to be committed to each other, and our family.

When I look at photos like this I remember that all of this journey has been rapturously filled will joy, struggle, opportunities to learn...etc etc, and every new step is rewarding.

I can only imagine them as grown men calling me to tell me about their life....

Here it goes: Whale or Mermaid?

2011-11-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am overweight. I am clinically obese, I have to shop at special stores, not only because I am overweight, but also because I am tall.

If I were to post my insane schedule on this blog then I would have something concrete for the world, or the two people who read my blog to feel insanely sad about. However, my nature, and the only true way I can survive is by staying positive about this life I have. It is my coping mechanism. And to be honest, I feel guilty when I feel bad for myself. There are children in other countries that die from the water they drink.

It is a constant battle for me. If you have a weight problem people assume you sit on your lazy you know what, and eat at McDonald's every day.

I don't have a health problem. I have a weight problem. My blood work, my physical body, and health says I am healthy...for the life I lead. Now a world class athlete, no.

There has not been a week of my life that I have not tried everything is my power to make healthy choices, be as active as I can....etc. etc. etc.. It nags at me constantly, billboards, commercials, magazines, constant reminders that because of my weight I am unhealthy, and unattractive.

Someone recently confided in me about a post on a blog that upset them,....and sent me the link.

I read the blog post, and fought gigantic, huge, tears. The kind that would interrupt my day.

I did not cry.

I went back to my crazy life, that has had literally no time or money for myself in years. Pressing forward, choosing to be happy.

The blog post was about the woman on Facebook who walked into a gym and read a sign that read: "Would you rather be a Whale or a mermaid this summer?"

Truth be told, this is a national controversy, and because there was a picture of an overweight woman on the photo, the blogging world is in arms about it. If you Google that topic you can read hundreds of blogs with people making it about health, and about not wanting the children of america to think it is okay to be unhealthy.

I am constantly bombarded with photos of perfect women. In every magazine I read, the perfect family has a beautiful, happy, and thin wife/mother.

Why does the world, specifically, places like the gym, feel the need to make comparisons solely about weight? Can't those of us who are overweight not be attacked, and made fun of? I mean, we are there, and trying.

One blog made a reference to "Fat Women" sitting around eating doughnuts. I use quotations, because I think it is a completely politically incorrect thing to say. Especially with anger, or malice. Another, was so condescending, as if none of us think about our health, or consciously know that we need to work harder.

The controversy lies in the fact, that people want to make weight about health.

But the sign at the gym did not ask: "Do you want to run a 5k this summer, cycle a tour, or lower your cholesterol?"

I am pretty sure this whole controversy wouldn't exist, if the sign on the gym had said that.

I do have a weight problem. I am concerned about my health. I am consciously working toward being a better me. I spend my energy making the world I live in a better place, and do everything in my power not to kick people, or feel superior to others who don't have the same challenges as myself. Honestly, I don't know an overweight person who is content with not making effort toward being the best they can be.

And above all, if I choose to be happy despite my challenges, I think that makes me wise.

The woman simply wanted to illustrate that whales are happy. That is all.

Happiness does not just belong to a select group of people who feel entitled to it because they have worked harder.

Happiness is a choice.

That choice I made a long time ago.

I don't spend energy loathing my own existence, I spend it on my amazing family, my wonderful opportunity to be a mother, my incredible students, the music I get hired to sing....I have a rich wonderful life. I also spend my energy feeling worthy of being loved by my sweet, respectful, considerate, and kind husband.

I hope all women spend their energy on things that make them happy, if being a mermaid is important to them, then I will cheer them on as they do it.

I celebrate happiness, and hope to spread a little around.

The kiddos...

2011-10-26T04:06:00.000-06:00

The good lord designed a lot of things with pure genius in mind...(if you ask me) I mean he really knew what he was doing when he designed parenthood. I guess he knew because he had experience with his own son, and therefore made sure to pass along the secret ingredient.

Think of the countless hours one worries as a parent...?!

Unconditional love...that ingredient is the super-tonic of life.

We are crazy about our two boys. Their smiles, their hands, the way they interact with the world, the way they consider others, how they love people, the things they pick up at school, their fiercely determined nature...their sweet loving nature, the way they learn, how often they remind me that the very best things in life truly are free.

Aiden is tying his shoes. Oliver is writing his name. Aiden sees the purpose in homework, and is collecting his spelling test with 100% written on them. Oliver pulls all of his work out of his backpack when I pick him up from preschool, and presents it to me like a lesson plan. On Monday he took out the safety diagrams from the fire department and taught me how to "uncatch" myself on fire. "you stop mom then you lay down, then you roll around." I had the weight of the world on my shoulders until he hopped in the car...then everything was okay. I had taken for granted how hard tying my shoes really is. Watching Aiden beam, and overcome his frustration, and tie his shoes in the morning thrills me beyond belief. Hearing Oliver ask nicely for something he needs or wants sends me to high heaven....

I love them even when they are naughty, that is unconditional love.

But the good lord knew what he was doing when he decided to believe in his children, and their ability to overcome challenges...he really did.

I have been relishing in my time with our kids lately. I really do get that it is fleeting....Here we are picking out pumpkins...

Look at those faces!!!

Self photo...more messy hair.

Those faces!!!

Sangin'

2011-10-26T03:43:00.000-06:00

I have been doing a little out of state singing. First I went to HOTLANTA. I have always wondered why they call it that, and I experienced it first hand. It is hot there. Very hot. AND humid. Perfect weather for my natural curly locks...

I flew in on a Wednesday night at 1am and competed in a competition the next day at 1pm. I placed in the top ten, and was not a winner...but I felt like a winner. I had set a new personal best for myself, one of those moments where you completely rely on technique to serve the music, because your body and brain are tired. Interestingly enough, when I stood up to sing a lot of adrenaline jumped on board and I was able to focus right in the center of the nerves. It was a great experience. One I am so glad I had.

I learned how to shoot a gun for the first time in my life! It was heart pounding, pure adrenaline....

Here I am again making sure not to lock my elbows....

Not bad for a first time shooter....

My friend from Brazil...who jokes about me looking like I am Brazilian...? MOM?

Then I went to Chicago to work with the famous Stephen Smith. Actually, I went to Evanston where Northwestern University. What a gorgeous campus they have!! I was in heaven. Working with Mr. Smith was a dream come true. I observed his lessons for an entire week and had a voice lesson myself.
Here is is bio:http://wstephensmith.com/bio.html

The first day there before I had met him, can you see the anticipation in my eyes!!

Lutkin Hall

I also went to the art museum in Chicago, which deserves its own entry entirely...here are some pics of the big city. By far Chicago is the coolest city I have ever seen. I missed my husband and kids terribly.

Back to school.

2011-10-05T16:37:00.000-06:00

I absolutely love school. And I absolutely love school shopping. There is nothing more exciting to me in the commercial shopping department than purchasing school supplies. Pencil, erasers, paper, folders, pens, sharpeners, the perfect pencil case....I actually feel my heart beat speed up when I go into the University of Utah book store. My first day at Westminster I walked into the book store just to partake in the literal "high".

Our children don't posses the same excitement for the supplies. In fact, we went to the outlets while we were in Park city to purchase school clothes. They cared not a bit about it.

They did however, LOVE getting book bags, and gadgets to keep their supplies intact in their bags.

They also enjoy anything involved with lunch and recess, so the lunch box is a hit.

School shopping was not fun with them...they let me pick out all of their outfits and sat in the corner playing with random gadgets and what not.

BUT....they like school. Both of them. I was worried about the transition to first grade. I have heard that it is the hardest transition by far, and now that I have a taste of what it means for your own child to have home work, and get home at three; I GET IT. They get home at 3pm, you start making dinner at 5pm, once you clean up and finish enjoying each other as a family, it is bath time. THERE IS LESS TIME FOR OTHER THINGS> I don't mean our family. For other things....the school week is packed.

The pros and cons of curly hair! Oliver did his own hair.

The backpacks are almost as big as them.....

Just look at the excitement! (two years down, 18 more to go!!!!)

Aiden let me pick out all of his clothes, when I told him they were Shawn Whites line he was thrilled....the sneaks.

Celebrating births..Squared.....

2011-10-03T16:35:00.000-06:00

Summer 2011 ended with the McMillan family splurging in a major way.

We decided to celebrate both of our birthdays in Park City before we all went back to school. We stayed in a condo, ate out every meal, and spent all day riding rides in park city....we bought the wrist bands and I almost winced when I paid for it...but decided not to.

Turning 35 is a big deal.

At least to me.

Landing your dream job at 35 is even bigger...so, we went out to dinner after celebrating with our kids the following weekend. to Ruth's Chris. Again, the check came and I chose not to wince at the amount.

Simply, put, we indulged a bit for our birthdays before we went back to school.

If you want to celebrate something...I highly recommend going to Ruth's Chris...the most amazing experience I have ever had eating. I had forgotten what a great meal, in a great environment can do for your soul. If you go before 6:30 they have a special.

Whenever there was that "I am going to have a melt down because I don't get to ride a certain ride" by my kids, I would simply point at the wrist band and smile...It was quite an eye opener, I realized that our kids rarely get to do what they want to do...

Interestingly, this trip, Ryan had the camera most of the time...Needless to say, there were a lot of pictures of me, and several of the boys....fewer of the Ryster.

Add caption

I indulged by not answering my phone, or looking at texts...not once. I sent Ryan to indulge by riding the zipline. I also took my mom to get a pedicure, and treated my step father to dinner, with my mom. It was a great weekend.

A time to breathe.

2011-09-08T09:48:00.000-06:00

I know that faith based anything, is believing in something that you cannot see or touch.

What if everything you see and touch, feels like it crumbles by your presence?

What if every relationship you invest in ends up being one sided, and feels deflating?

What if when you need a breath more than anything, life presents more challenges, and the burdens outweigh the joy you feel?

There was a time, when all that got me out of bed was faith. Period.

I was heavy, and felt heavy. Every entire thing that I put energy into felt like failure.

Sometimes, when I go through the list I fight back tears to understand how my little spirit could go through so many things and not give up.

There was a time, when even though everything felt like a disaster, I believed in myself. Even though if felt impossible, I made a choice to be kind to others, even when I felt like falling apart.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, and that miraculously those painful experiences make sense.....

I guess choosing to find light in the midst of what feels like failure is a true skill. One that many people are deprived of.

I often ask myself as I am watching my children struggle through something hard, if I am giving them an opportunity to grow and learn from their experiences.....

My parents are not the rescuing type. During this part of my life, I could not dump my life in their lap and ask for help. They assured me that I was capable of learning and growing from the challenges. Only in extreme situations did they offer their aid.

And this constantly makes me wonder. I went back to school, got us out of consumer debt, supported my husband in his schooling, (that will absolutely open doors when he graduates,) and was recruited by one of the leading pedagogues in the nation.

It seems almost impossible to believe that I was capable of this, considering my spirit felt like hell for almost five years.

I decided not to complain, not to make excuses, not to take crap from people who wanted to kick me while I was down, and made different choices.

This, in result is the most controversial question I am posed with as I raise my own children: How much do I let them struggle before I jump in to provide a little assistance, or aid?

You hear the stories about children who fall on the way side and partake in extreme behaviors, and allow theirs lives to fall apart. Their marriages fail. Their depression consumes everyone, and soon addiction controls them as well. Parents then have to jump in and pay thousands of dollars for rehab.

So, how much of it is in our control? (as parents?)

I don't have parents who rescue me. EVER. Only when I prove to work hard and make great choices do they step in and help....

I am not sure that there is a definitive answer. What I do know, is that I don't ever want to feel guilt about my parenting. I will take the good I learned from my parents, and add my own understanding of unconditional love where I can. I will provide the very best opportunities when possible, and allow them to learn from their own mistakes. I have had the luxury to learn from my own, and they must embrace their life and learn from theirs.

Faith.

The great reveal....

2011-09-04T10:17:00.002-06:00

Where have I been, what have I been doing? No post for such a long time, yet birthdays, and several other summer activities and no post?

Check here:
http://westminstercollege.edu/music/index.cfm?parent=3944&detail=9660&content=12960

This is what I have been doing, more to come later, where I will post about our absolutely fun summer...

I know, Exciting right!!

VBS

2011-08-05T01:20:00.000-06:00

Vacation Bible School!!

One of my favorite activities as a child was going to VBS in the summer. I LOVED IT. And, following suit is our two dear children who are officially junkies. At the Southside Church of Christ, the theme was the beach, and service. There was a scripture each night and fun activities. The final night was a family night with a carnival and food...here is what we looked like partying! :) We sang a song about God being bigger than the boogie man...ask Oliver to sing it, you will chuckle for days.

Vacation Bible School!

Nicki and I

The hand painted portrait of Jesus at Southside Church of Christ

The carnival day with face painting. It is rare to see Aiden not smiling, he was in character.

This picture is just too much right?

I felt I needed some paint.

Ryan scaled the wall in 0.2...I also climbed the wall and was proud...the pictures...meh.

Every wife has to capture this shot right?

Every teardrop is a waterfall....

2011-08-03T22:57:00.000-06:00

I often meet people who proclaim they have made their lives brilliant by their own hands, or by being the recipients of positive consequences due to impeccable choices. Using a daily check off list their life is rich with everything they need and more.

I was the child in elementary who witnessed a young child with cigarette burns on her legs, or the child who could never make eye contact; my friend who stuttered and would get screamed at by her parents....the list went on and on...I was overwhelmed at a young age by other humans, and their trials.

I wonder if they were able to defy every sociological study.

Almost two weeks ago the Michael Jordan of the singing world gave me one of the most incredible compliments a singer can be given. With all my might I tried to hold back, but a tiny tear seeped out and ran down my left cheek. This natural ability to identify with complex emotions and feel empathy for others always came with a price. Most often it has been misinterpreted, and sometimes squashed by well meaning intentions.

This last week gratitude has surfaced in giant waterfalls of tears. I went to a coaching and could not hold back...I sobbed to the man who has believed in my ability to put several concepts together. I blubbered to the woman who has helped me with my kids so that I can pursue my talents. I have not been able to hold back my gratitude lately.

As I stood there listening to an incredible singer commend me on my instincts and musical abilities I realized that I had to have PEOPLE to get where I am.

One of my really great friends once said: "Well if someone has it all figured out on their own...what the BLEEP do they need God for? God works through people..."

Although I have had to work hard, and make wise choices, I know without a doubt that the humans surrounding me are making the journey more rewarding, and their knowledge makes for a better experience.

And "Every teardrop is a waterfall."

HOPE

2011-07-26T21:48:00.001-06:00

This is what hope is all about!!! My dear sweet mother, who has recently started Bioness therapy; I saw with my own eyes, the foot behaving and doing what it should be doing!!! It was one of the most rewarding days of my entire existence. I am not even kidding.

My mom is gorgeous.

Looks an awful lot like....

High tech stuff...implanting the code to zap my mother appropriately. :-)

Notice the heal touching the ground first!!! This is huge.

This is incredible to watch...I am elated for my mom...and grateful to my stepdad who has found a way to afford this treatment. YAY. Between my sister, my stepfather and myself we will get her to her appointments!!

summer. summer time....

2011-07-22T10:41:00.000-06:00

We have been busy. And by busy I am mean we have been having a blast with family, and friends. Nothing super pressing in our lives, oh, I sing tomorrow but other than that we are swinging.

Here is my nephew who just got home from a mission:

He is an incredible human being.

In his home coming talk he talked about the importance of speaking from your heart...and how once he got the language down he figured he would be a better communicator, but in all reality it provided a little arrogance. Therefore he didn't communicate as well. LOVE IT.

My other Nephew played the piano at the home coming with my sister...it was incredible and I wanted to sob. It was so beautiful. "I believe in Christ, he is my king"

I am super proud of my brother and his wife. Raising a family, with challenges is hard work. I can only imagine how it must be to watch your children be incredible adults. I am so grateful for my brother, for many reasons. He and his wife are a great example of working through challenges.

NOW> I must state how weird it is to see your nephews dating, in this next photo my brother's youngest is chillin with his HOTTIE as he calls her:

It was almost like they stole away to chat....

And to end this blog post with proper flare, I must show what I was wearing at the airport...needles to say I was stared at ALOT;

My nephew went to Austria and Germany for his mission...I look forward to many conversations in German. AND food. Lots of Austro-German food.

A few of my favorite things...

2011-07-19T09:53:00.000-06:00

Making the number one on my list, is Ryan. He is one of my favorite nouns. Every morning before he goes to work, while I am sleeping deeply, he kisses me. He has never missed a day in our eight years of marriage.

Another one of my favorite things is a book written by two dietitians and psychologists. I feel as though I am finally free. I am eating. I am enjoying the food I eat...and I recognize when my relationship with food has nothing to do with nutrition, and everything to do with the diet fads "control." I found a picture of myself when I was eight, when the whole madness began...lets just say, I wasn't fat.

I love my public library. I can find just about anything I want there. I also love their e-tools, where one can find what they are looking for, request it, and the library will notify you when it is available. Here is what I found there this last week:

An entire book of Amy Butler's patterns....I am in heaven.

Another bit of happiness is my relationships with a few particular people. Julia, Christie, Michelle, and Nicki. They are four women who inspire me to be a better person every day. Each of their qualities are unique, and add so much to my life. I am grateful for them.

Although I sobbed about money last night for about an hour...one of my favorite things right now is my job. Working with children, young adults, and even adults, and watching music transform their lives is so rewarding. I know there will be better financial days ahead, and I am looking forward to working in music...One of my Favorite things.

Another one of my favorite things is my piano. A real piano has transformed my practice time.

One more favorite thing: In a world where airbrushing, and fabricating what is real, it is no surprise that the opera world would suffer from manufactured sound...one of my heroes and his book deals with the issues in singing with someone else's voice. I am basing my entire independent research in pedagogy on his concepts and teaching. He was at Julliard for 16 years and is now at North Western in Chicago. I will most likely be going to visit him this fall to observe, interview and then will write my final research paper.

And last but not least two more making the list: Aiden and Oliver. They are my favorite for many reasons, but lately, Aiden's understanding nature and compassion, and Oliver's ability to make me laugh. At Anything!!

"Snowmamas Winter getaway"

2011-07-18T21:24:00.000-06:00

This entry is intended to appeal to the staff at Snowmamas in Park city Utah.

I grew up skiing. I love skiing. Now that I am a mother of two, an opera singer, and a student obtaining a master's degree at the University of Utah there is seldom money to do any activities. Ryan, my husband is also a full time student and also works full time. He also loves to ski, and snowboard. Lets just say that the last time we took a vacation I was learning a 300 page opera and Ryan was doing work as well. We rarely complain, and are making the very best of our financial situation. In the midst of this we have a six year old who is an awesome skier. After having knee surgery I vowed to teach him to ski, as he was naturally athletic and seemed to have great balance. This was not an easy feat for me, I was terrified about my own child's safety and worried about the stability of my own knee. After teaching both children to ski on rental equipment every time because we can't afford to purchase gear right now, we have all concluded that it is our favorite time together as a family.

We would love to win a trip to park city to enjoy each other as a family, and ski! Please consider us!

The Michael Jordan of the Opera world

2011-07-15T16:12:00.001-06:00

In a week from Saturday I humbly will sing for one of the best opera singers ever to live. Dolora Zajick. Even better, I will step into the doors of my high school for the first time since graduating to sing for her....I am so honored. I cannot wait to sing for her, and get her constructive criticism. I will be intensely star struck.

One thing that most people never consider about singing, is just how hard it is. :-) I mean it. Have you ever tried breathing when your heart is pounding and you feel butterflies all aflutter? Have you ever tried to be heard over one trumpet, violin, or ....try a 150 piece orchestra? Technique serves to communicate every nuance that a composer wishes to, and a singer has a pretty hefty job. An opera singer does not use a mic. Usually if there is a mic is used to record. It is the equivalent in pressure to making a winning 3 point throw in basketball...with 20 seconds on the clock. Not everyone can do it. SHE IS MY HERO. Just listen to her ability to make such beautiful sound, and be heard over a gigantic orchestra. She is also a positive, and inspirational pedagogue, she knows how to sing, and knows exactly how to teach people...I am thrilled!!

For the past couple of weeks I have been preparing one of my most dramatic, and vocally complex scenes, with coachings and lessons. I am looking forward to this opportunity, and because I was chosen based on my talent and hard work, I promise to enjoy every minute of it. EVEN the heart pounding. Some people jump out of airplanes to experience the rush, I stand in front of people and expose raw emotion,.....

The summer wind brought in...

2011-07-14T16:01:00.000-06:00

This summer has been glorious. Absolutely awesome. I cannot believe how much water we have received. As a child the rain was my favorite...so I sent the kids out in it and watched them love it like a trip to Disney land or a brand new video game. They stayed in the water four almost 2 hours. I sat and smelled the air, and the beauty of my street amplified in greenness by mother nature's shower. Just 2o minutes before this shower began we were cleaning up our very first Yard sale!!!! The yard sale was a success, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching humans shop through my goods.

If anyone would have told me that I would love two little beings like I love these two...I would have called them liars. Many of my friends tried to prepare me for the depth of prayers I would mutter and I thought I could grasp it...but nothing has made my heart jump and delve into happiness like these two.

I am learning to stop what I am doing, or thinking, and enjoy my children NOW. It is unrealistic to think I can do it all the time, but in moments like this, I am fed with hands that remind me how wonderful my life is.

Then I balance the check book, separate a giant battle over a stuffed animal...mop the floor, fold laundry, give hugs and tickles, then grocery shop, put out a fire over hurt feelings....then memorize music, teach a piano lesson/voice lesson...and this is the job I feel lucky to have.

Oliver-man

2011-07-06T08:59:00.000-06:00

He is a happy kid.

le Grand Prix....

2011-07-06T08:53:00.000-06:00

The great reveal of the Grand Prix is working against me...however, once I figured out the camera the car started and ran!!!! Ryan fixed his Jean Luc. (the video with the actual running of the car will not upload for some reason.) I am teaching piano lessons to some kids in my neighborhood in less than an hour and decided to throw in the towel~! But, he Runs, he Runs!

Passing the seven year itch...

2011-06-26T01:21:00.000-06:00

What does that mean anyway?

Ryan and I celebrated the big 8 years...that's right no itch. What does that even mean? It is one of those things people say all the time and I constantly wonder where it came from and how we deemed the seven year mark the itchy year.

Anyway, we are happy to report there has only been scratching because of mosquito bites. Man the water this year has produced big mosquitoes.

Here is how we celebrated:

We went to a giant water slide with the boys...and let them pick their outfits!

Within 4 minutes of being in the water a man jumped from one of the platforms and went unconscious...so we had to evacuate the pool.

The life guards had him out of the water before I could blink, and were taking him to the ambulance. I actually saw the man in the water as he was unconscious and the lifeguard was getting him out of the pool. Scariest thing ever.

A photo of the giant water slide. It actually goes across the street.

The platforms. You actually have to sign a release to jump off them and wear a wrist band. We opted out of jumping, before the incident occurred.

After the excitement, Oliver declared it nap time, so I took a nap with him! In the sun...just like being a teenager again.

Did I mention we were in Lava Hot springs Idaho? After swimming we put on clothes and went to my dear friend Maddy's wedding.

Maddy got married on the same day we were married. The eighteenth of June. And had the same colors, similar music, and a flowing gown...and it wasn't planned. And her programs were on fans just like ours.

A photo by Aiden. He asked me to look mad.

Maddy and Andy. Isn't the photo gorgeous! With the outdoors, the beautiful gown, and all?

Oliver steeling the Lavender and putting it in his pockets. Lets just say that I forgot about the Lavender and washed his clothes...my house smells amazing.

Aiden after the full blown day. The kids were so good all day. We kept telling them how special of a day it was for us, and that we were so glad to be celebrating it with them.

On Sunday night we went to Mamma Mia!

I love my dear husband so much. His sense of humor, his ability to push through hard times, his work ethic, and most importantly the father he is to our kids. They are lucky.
Mamma Mia was so brilliant. The woman who performed Donna literally took my breath away. Although the entire cast was awesome she had a way of communicating the music that was genuine, funny, and you could tell how much she loved music.

Cheers!

I really enjoyed going to a wedding on our anniversary. Not only because I adore the couple getting married, but because it reminded me of all the wonderful things about our wedding. How in love we were. How, my heart skipped as I saw her walking down the aisle knowing how important this new chapter in her life is. How important that day way to us, and how lucky I felt when he read his vows to me. How honest and heartfelt I was when I read mine.

Who's your dealer...ship?

2011-06-22T14:44:00.000-06:00

That's right the rhynomac dady licious is!!

In September of 2010 our dear Jean Luc le Grand Prix bit the dust. The engine decided to work no more thus!!

So, Ryan, with two of his brothers broke the engine down, refinished some of the heads in the engine..and alas...the crazy sound was still there. It had major improvements and was actually running, but a crazy sound.

So, Jean luc was towed, (by moi) to our home so that Ryan could work on it in our garage. I provided the appropriate attire, wife beater, and 68 ounce mug of Dr. pepper whilst he worked...

That's right a home made funnel.

The boys have insisted on helping...:-)

My glamour shot proving I helped.

I did some research on the engine and found a manual...Ryan has been grateful for it.

Very clear specific directions on how to fix things...super cool I say.

Turning lemons into lemonade is what I do very best.

This has been a very good year for us, good in a way that is contrary to what most would consider good. We have learned that one really can go without. We have gone almost four years without putting a single cent on a credit card...Isn't that cool? We are getting out of debt, and raised our credit in the process. Ryan found a wonderful debt counselor and although there was a small penalty the first 6 months on our credit, our credit is now raised over 1 00 points a piece. Although we do not stand on a soap box about it, we are just sleeping better, and know that we, and our kids can go two days without milk if need be. That we can live within our means and go without. I remember going without as a kid, and that was that. If you tell someone now days that you don't have food in the house or milk in the fridge it is a severe tragedy. We haven't had money to pay someone to fix the car, so we decided to figure it out ourselves. Just last night Ryan found the source of the problem and is assembling the engine tonight~! I am crossing my fingers and hoping for a good end result. IF it is not fixed, we will just keep making lemonade...even if it is out of antifreeze. :-)

Counting blessings, part the second.

2011-06-14T21:48:00.000-06:00

I decided to count my blessings, and count them out loud. Here are just a few that I counted recently...before I knew it, there was a landslide of blessings, ones that I had not really considered before.

‎12 miles. My body is a wonderful blessing. I am grateful! (after cycling 12 miles up hill.)

Forgiveness is a wonderful blessing. It opens your world to things unimaginable, and frees up the human spirit of anger. I am grateful for the wonderful spiritual leaders in my life who have taught me how to forgive.

Courage is a wonderful blessing. Courage to be honest, courage to persevere through hardships, and setbacks. Doing what is right is often harder...I am grateful for my parents, siblings, and friends who have nurtured my courageous nature.

Our children are a wonderful blessing. For more reasons than one can count. I hope to live a very long life with them.

Marriage is a wonderful blessing. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share all of my life with a great person. I plan on not taking it for granted.

Recently, I went hiking with a friend. On the hike Aiden stopped to observe everything. The bugs, the poop, the creatures, the rocks and made a friend: Wormy. Lately, I have felt bogged down with being an adult. I find it overrated. I would have been an awesome gatherer...and Ryan would have been a fierce hunter. In today's world, we do okay, but find the daily grind a little boring at times. I am so grateful to have children,...the smallest moments are worth it all for me. And when we were sent bundles of joy, the good lord knew we didn't want to be bored. We are constantly surprised by the two and their excitement about life. Although I am in theater, I don't always have excitement for life...sometimes I worry about the inevitable, and the floods, and the sickness, and keeping a safe and happy home. I worry about others, I worry about the well being of our boys, and how they will manage as adults. Aiden was devising a plan to bring the worm in our house and keep him as a pet...I began to worry...and then I just watched his love for a simple creature. The way he talked to it, they way he showed his brother, and insisted that Ollie partake in the happy moments with wormy.

I stopped for a moment and just felt grateful to my toes. And decided that was the luckiest worm on the planet.

Hiking...oh how the hills are alive...and so are we!

2011-06-06T17:35:00.000-06:00

One of my absolute favorite families made us breakfast and invited us hiking...Ben and Julia, and precious Phineas. So we went!! The breakfast was so delicious, and the hike was gorgeous. I had a great time. I know the boys had a wonderful time despite face plants and a couple of melt downs. We all love being outside, and enjoy being together. I am bummed that I did not get a photo of the handsome couple...we didn't really go anyway per say, but "the journey" as Ben so eloquently stated was the destination. :-) I really enjoy Ben and Julia.

The three boys.

Where is Ben and Julia? They should be in this photo.

My kind of family picture.....

Two days later, I jumped in the car and met one of my BFF's in the canyon for a hike with the boys. I made PBJ's on home made wheat bread and brought all the patience required...:-) I have been reading a lot of parenting with love and logic..."I love you way to much to argue" said this momma. I enjoy Lisa as well. She and I hit it off instantly in theory class over caffeine. I think our second bonding experience came over trail mix, low blood sugar and way to much theory...3 hours of theory is a lot. Lisa has many qualities I like. When she wants something she goes after it. She rarely blames anyone else for her feelings, or issues. She plays tenor trombone and is quite skilled at it. She is half way through her Master's degree and will surely land a great gig somewhere. Here are pics of our adventure...we hiked to lake Blanche in Big cottonwood canyon.

The very best blessing I am counting right now. The blessing of Oliver's decision to join the world of the toilet trained...I was starting to have visions of sending him off to the prom with a diaper bag...

Counting blessings

2011-06-02T10:54:00.000-06:00

For some reason counting my blessings feels like bragging. To some looking in I appear ungrateful. To those with nothing, in the midst of divorce, or loosing their children I appear to be surrounded with blessings; or are they?

There is an art form to humility I think. How does one express their gratitude for their blessings without sounding trite, superficial, or even worse ungrateful.

I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I rarely consider things blessings. If it is something I have created from my own two hands, then I am grateful for my creative spirit, or my mind...but then physical things are sometimes the product of just that. IF my husband acquires money by being good at something and in the end we have a home because of that hard work....is the home a manifestation of the original blessing? In fact I have contemplated this for many years!!! I am wired that way. But then the twist comes. If you don't acquire a lot of money and can't afford to do things to propel yourself or your children forward, but still work hard...then what? Are you blessed?

I once had a friend at Westminster who told me about his family. His family being from India had nothing. His impression of physical wealth was jaded none the less. His father worked hard and lost everything and he continued to pump gas and work extraneous jobs just to skim by. During this conversation my mind was going crazy, it challenged my young 20 year old person...what if I work hard, do all the right things and am poor? Is being poor a blessing?

By poor I don't mean giving up on things one wants...I mean not having needs met. Going a week without food, and living in a shack. I went two days once in college without food. I was dizzy, and disoriented most of the the time. It was finals week. While others celebrated their 4.0's I felt grateful to pass the course load. I decided that I would be grateful for my body that managed to overcome the starvation and press through. To this day I am confused how I managed to get through such hard times.

This is when I count a blessing.

I am grateful for my relationship with God, that manifests itself through my singing. I am most comforted, and know that my relationship with him is real when I sing. That is a blessing. I feel blessed to be entrusted with this gift. The other day as I was singing an aria from St. Mathew passion, it occurred to me that this blessing is real. During my practice session I was able to find a way to color the words, "weeping, sighing" in a way that illustrated just that. I have wept and sighed on many occasions over the injustices in the world. I am blessed with the ability to portray various emotions in my singing. I am so grateful for that blessing.

From Wikipedia:
"A blessing, (also used to refer to bestowing of such) is the infusion of something with holiness, divine will, or one's hope or approval."

A blessing is not a thing...it is the infusion of something with holiness...

*Disclaimer= by no means am I claiming to be holy.

Holiness appears in every economic group. The assessment of things is a mere earthly development...one that humans created, not God.

I spent a few hours today reading about several religious views of blessings. In the end I concluded that blessings are given...in the form of putting hands on one's head, praying for, or blessing someone's new child...they are given.

“Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.”

W. T. Purkiser

Second counted blessing.

I have been blessed with a generous soul. Giving a compliment, reaching out an arm, or being there for someone when it isn't always convenient is second nature to me. This blessing manifests itself daily, in my words to my husband, friends, and children, in 22 year friendships that are constantly adding happiness and growth to my life. Friendships with family members, and cousins.

I have a lot more counting to do...but for now I sign out, I don't need to count my blessings to be grateful, I just need to use them. I am going to put my blessings to work.

Cheers! Count your blessings and share them!

(thank you to those who always share their blessings with me.)

"Music chose me"

2011-05-27T10:03:00.000-06:00

Meet my voice teacher:

Isn't she gorgeous? Of course you are just meeting her external facade...her insides are made of gold...and are far more beautiful than her exterior.

She has had a gigantic career, won a Grammy and is now delving into motherhood.

The first thing I told her when she told me she was pregnant, was that I (not usually prone to jealousy) was jealous of her fetus. And then I told her how absolutely thrilled I was for her, and realized that our children were the best thing about our life.

She has completely morphed my already wonderful life into a complete package. I no longer question why I sing. As a young budding 19 year old I told the infamous Marilyn Horne in a master class that music chose me...from there the confusion and uncertainty of life clouded my vision, and my belief in music as a career. I tried with all my might to be a stay at home mom...made all the choices, lived in a small house, (by Utah standards) grew out my hair, from not having hair cuts, gave up a cell phone, had no clothing allowance, and saved money for my children's future. The phone rang when I was five and nine months pregnant, when I had a new born, another pregnancy and so forth. People wanted me to sing for them, and I was making great money. So, I worked. AS A SINGER. REALLY? Surely, the nay sayers ought to know that one can make an income singing...but as I have learned every time a person has approached me after singing and commented about my ability to transform music into something they can feel, and relate to, it never has been about the money, or the benefits, or the glam. Frankly, it chose me, when I sing it is like putting on clothes that really fit. Or sitting on the sand and having no questions about your importance, or your infiniteness with the creator. I could write a book about the various shoes (jobs) I tried on in desperation to be something other than a musician. I flipped rugs, waited tables, sold heath insurance code books...all of them a very bad fit.

But, if you want to stand out in front of thousands of people and commit to something and have an entire orchestra and conductor depending on you, you have to know without a doubt that you can do it. I have always been able to do it. I have never let anyone down, conductors seek me and hire me. So why is it, that I have never had that impression of myself? Is it because I have low self esteem, or too much baggage? On the contrary...I have never had a teacher who believed in me, and provided the tangible criticism I have needed. But let me just say, that I have had great teachers. She is just amazing.

I threw a studio baby shower for her this week and everyone who came was glowing with excitement about her next adventure in life. All of us saying that she will be an amazing mother. Here she is opening a gift.

That full blown smile and happiness is real. She is such an amazing example to all of us. So practical, positive and firm. One cannot get away with anything in her studio. She is hardcore.

Here is what she wrote to me in a card after my recital:

" Aubrey, congrats on a fabulous recital! After such a busy semester I'm so proud of your focus and dedication in this journey! Its a joy to see/hear your voice continue to blossom and grow! you have so much to give as an artist-never stop looking for ways to touch people with your amazing gift."

After my recital she told Ryan and I that it was time for me to take this serious and get my voice heard.

I am making the pilgrimage to audition in New York in the fall. I am making the necessary sacrifices to get a demo CD done, and all the other little things one must do to prepare to contact opera companies and orchestras.

What feels nice right now, is knowing that I am not crazy, or indulgent, or perusing a silly dream...

Music chose me.

A moment in the sun

2011-05-26T10:25:00.021-06:00

After the great rain of 2011 we took Ryan's mom to the park with the kids for dinner and fun in celebration of Mother's day. Even better, the youngest of the McMillan tribe came along! It was a great time. We flew kites, laughed about mischief, watched the kids run, and ate dinner. I chuckled at Ryan's constant need to make faces in every picture we take. Here is what happens when you put your foot down about it!~

A great picture if you ask me!!!

Sand Makes me happy.

Beautiful Wendy, and Mr. Aiden man.

Getting so big...lost a tooth this week, and one is about to launch out.

I guess this is his Kiss Impersonation?

Is that a mom or what? Look at her body language!

10 days of rain=Creativity.

2011-05-25T10:23:00.000-06:00

When the forecast proclaims that there will be rain for ten days, one might consider building an arc...I on the other hand considered some projects that needed attending to. Although no one will be able to jump on board and be saved from a great flood from my creations, one will delight for sure.

In fact! One has delighted, myself included.

I have had fabric and paper in my home screaming at me to be sewn or glued, but alas time and children prevented this Domestic chica from partaking. I LOVE TO SEW. Actually, I love to create, and because I have a sense of humor about my creations I usually will try anything once to see if it is something I would like to do. In my most lucid of imaginations, I decided that I could make a diaper changing pad for a friend of mine who is having a baby boy in two weeks. I couldn't sleep one night and decided to make it in the wee hours, only to end up laughing hysterically and realizing that the plastic that I had purchased to cover the fabric had its own idea of how things were going to work.

Next time I will get the modge podge glue out and do something with that instead.

A close up of the one of the purses I made...super cute I think.

2 of the six purses created during the great rain of 2011.

3 of the six purses created.

Party favors for a shower I hosted. I put treats in a sack on the inside of this quad fold delight!

Oliver big and proud! This was a particular creative feat. Our children could not be more different in their needs regarding the thrown.

My next project!! An Apron for me....a long awaited favorite that I shall wear with domestic prowess.

Aiden adding to the great excitement of 2011. Notice the peace signs...? What should I have peace about exactly?

Speaking of creativity...there was the potty training in between each project. I have one child who full blown loves the manipulation factor in the art of the potty. Saying things like: "look how big and grown up you look on that potty!!" makes him want to potty train more. Aiden on the other hand will have nothing to do with manipulation. SOME kids love it. Oliver only likes it in the case of potty training...otherwise he could care less about being convinced to do something that he sees right through is manipulation. Lucky me. I feel like taking a shower with a Brillo pad anytime I need to use it or hear it around me.

Speaking of that topic. The other day at the park I heard a mother trying to convince her daughter not to do something under the guise of manipulation. Here is what the mother said: "pretty girls are nice to other kids, and share...that is what pretty girls do."

After many years of contemplation I left the park having decided that I was in fact, according to that mother,..."A pretty girl." :-)

Let there be light in the firmament! Let there be creativity in my home!!!!

The sound of relief.

2011-05-14T08:52:00.000-06:00

On Friday May 14th, the ever alluring sound of certitude became apparent in our lives. We are finally done with a semester that was daunting.

I myself had 12 credit hours, as I wait in anticipation for just one more grade to post I am sitting on a 4.0. But theory is always a deal breaker for me. So let's pray for an A- or a B+.

Ryan tackled a software class and calculus 2. One more semester of Calculus for him...he can totally do it. He is close, as he has contemplated many times the prospect of graduating now with a degree...but his heart lies in computer science...so I say do it, and I have your back!!!

Finality, just around the corner with 95% of my graduate degree done has set in, and the relief I feel, well, words prove inadequate.

Bring on the family time!! Here is how we started:

I usual have the camera in captivity, so I decided to get a pic of me. :-)

The sand hill...more fun than one can imagine.

A very dear friend of mine sent me an email about light and shadows this past week. I decided to take a picture of my shadow....LOOK! No one is standing in it. just me.

Aiden

Boy does it feel good to have some sunshine!

Mother's day 2011

2011-05-12T09:25:00.000-06:00

My absolute favorite thing to do on Mother's day is to look at older pictures of our children. I do it every year.

My sister took my mother, myself and our kids to thanksgiving point for the Tulip Festival...what a great time we had. We celebrated with lunch and hung out it was a really great time! My sister has wonderful children, and our kids adore each other. They also get into a fair amount of mischief...and I giggle occasionally.

I spent the morning singing, then looked at photos and wrote a giant paper for school. That was a giant relief. GIANT.

Here are a few pictures that made me happy this year. EVEN my stretch marks.

Aiden the day he was born with my mother's beautiful hand.

Oliver, Ryan and I just seconds after Oliver's birth.

Aiden with Oliver after we brought home the nugget.

My pregnant belly with Oliver.

Aiden just a few days old.

Although there are the gifts, and the notes that surround mother's day, I feel that the greatest thing to be given is a child. That is the best mother's day gift ever.

Aiden made me bath salts at school and the most beautiful card, with his very best penmanship. (something I know he had to really focus on)

But I also think there are many ways to be a mother without begetting a child....there have been several people throughout my life who I have noticed fulfill the title of being a mother.
Selflessness, compassion, all the things a mother does for someone...they can be done however, whenever...by anyone.

Cheers to the moms holding the world together. :-)

Two papers to go...here it goes...one down...one to go...

2011-04-28T11:39:00.001-06:00

Abstract:

In the opera A Kékszakállú Herceg Vára by Béla Bartók (Duke Bluebeard’s Castle), I will review the sources of study to allegorize the varying interpretations of the opera and its Hungarian Nationalistic whole. First I will discuss the relationship between Bartók and the librettist Béla Balázs regarding Hungary and the contradiction of Balázs heritage. Ensuing contradiction I will then illustrate the libretto’s esoteric voices; the Castle as Bluebeard’s soul, as well as the harmonic and compositional techniques used to illustrate the visual, yet unseen images, specifically blood, behind each of the seven doors.

Did I mention that the entire reason I introduced my first high C in recital...was well, in anticipation of some day singing the fifth door scene. Although wishful thinking I am hoping... I have been studying Hungarian...I think it is a beautiful language.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-26T10:56:00.000-06:00

The great Muppet caper...good Friday

2011-04-23T09:10:00.002-06:00

I am a tender soul. I cry, and when I cry it is a physical experience. And by physical I mean that I actually experience it like a broken heart from a breakup or when one is twitter pated and their stomach is a live with adrenaline from a crush.

When I was a young child my parents took me to see the Great Muppet Caper...truth be told I sobbed. I felt Kermit and miss Piggy's experience so intensely that I had to let out the sadness and joy I was feeling. To this day it is the family joke. "Don't put on sad music or the Muppet Caper, Aubrey will cry."

Just look at them, don't you feel so happy for two souls antipodal to fall in love and be happy?

When I went to Schindler's list I sat in the chair during the credits unable to move. It was not a movie for me, it was a reality, one that I partook in with a sense of credence. Add into that postulate the sound of a broken piano, and a violin....the tears will deluge.

If someone calls me and tells me about something they are experiencing that is either painful or exciting I feel it with them. It is Visceral. (here is my disclaimer that I am not autistic :) if I were I would not be able to relate to human emotion. :) )

Once someone called me to tell me about their miscarriage, and the pain they were going through both physically and emotionally. I sat down the phone and sobbed for 10 minutes...at least.

Once again, don't put on the Muppet Caper or I will Sob.

Dreams do come true, even for Muppets. Just look at her, on a lily pad with adoring eyes and music flowing from her snout.

Along with being alert to humans and Muppets alike, I have learned to conceal tears when possible. It makes others uncomfortable...because apparently I am broken if I am crying right?

The Good Friday service is another one of my all time favorite services. The entire service is dedicated to the deception of and final moments of Jesus's life. I choked serious tears during the passion chant, sung by beautiful male voices whose own voices cracked as they uttered such words.

Then came the homily. The reverend compared God's love to the love he witnessed once in a nursing home. He spoke of two elderly people who had been married their entire lives and now were barely mobile. She was arthritic, crippled over with matted hair, lost teeth and quite aged. The husband sitting next to her, in a similar situation whose shirt divulged the nursing home's menu for the day looked at the reverend, pointed at his wife and said: "Just look at her, isn't she the most beautiful, and perfect woman you have ever seen?"

Even now, I choke up at this analogy of God's love. He reminded us that through this entire week, as we focus on the crucifixion, the resurrection and the many things we will do to celebrate, and the many differences in perspicacity that many Cristian faiths share. We should focus on the unconditional love that God has for us.

And then, just then, my body felt something it hasn't felt in quite some time. It feels like being wrapped in something, and swept away. A current if you will of happiness, conclusion, of ache, and joy.

To be loved in such a way...isn't that the true conquest that the human condition suffers. And to love one another as he loves us. His first commandment. Yet historically, that commandment seems to be the hardest to follow.

I tried to be the little engine that could, to stop the tears, to not make anyone uncomfortable...but the sob was there and it again was a physical experience. I hugged the reverend and as I said the words: "It is so simple..." His eyes welled and we cried together.

When I went to the choir room, there was a hush, and that all too common stillness that usually follows the good Friday service.

Then, the choir director, who always can make anything funny said: "Do I need to find you a therapist?" As luck would have it, standing in front of me was a therapist herself, I pointed at her and replied: "There is one right here, I am anxiously awaiting my medication." The entire room laughed, with tears in their eyes. To that the all too witty director then insisted: "I'll be your therapist...Just get over it okay? See, I am a good therapist." Just then the other witty soul who is in constant duel confirmed : "OR the very worst."

The entire room laughed. I thought of my gift. And felt sincerely grateful.

Can't believe it....

2011-04-20T17:39:00.003-06:00

I just got word back that I passed my oral defense....

I think I might faint.

Then back to work.

:-)

How holy...

2011-04-19T19:36:00.000-06:00

I have been so tired today...so tired... my recital went well last night...but I have so much more to do...to obtain my degree, and finish this semester. As I was going through my week and deciding where I should spend my time and how I should navigate my week I remembered:

It is holy week. A great week if you ask me. And then, I began to weep...I love holy week. I love one entire week devoted to the celebration of resilience that is love. I love the washing of the feet, and the anthem that goes along with it. I love Holy week...an entire week devoted to one man.

Maundy Thursday is one of my favorite services...where the last supper is discussed, and the congregation washes each other's feet.
Here is the anthem we will be singing. But I must warn you some of the footage is hard to watch.

</ifra Traditionally in the Christian Church, this day is known as Maundy Thursday. The term Maundy comes from the Latin word mandatum (from which we get our English word mandate), from a verb that means "to give," "to entrust," or "to order." The term is usually translated "commandment," from John's account of this Thursday night.  According to the Fourth Gospel, as Jesus and the Disciples were eating their final meal together before Jesus’ arrest, he washed the disciples' feet to illustrate humility and the spirit of servanthood. After they had finished the meal, as they walked into the night toward Gethsemane, Jesus taught his disciples a "new" commandment that was not really new (John 13:34-35):A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, you also ought to love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

A few non polemic things....

2011-04-13T11:30:00.000-06:00

I just had to put polemic in this entry, only because as I was preparing yet another presentation for theory, I realized I needed to look up a word that occupied a quote by an author being quoted...:)

I said a prayer for our home, and low and behold it was answered. We have one cat who is active and thin with hairballs, and one who has a weight problem....I shan't buy two different cat foods...low and behold this appeared at Target. Stayed tuned, so far the overweight, completely happy cat is drinking more water...is this cause for a research study?

Ryan and I rarely see each other but we have decided to show our love as often as we can in ways that are unique. Although I am labeled the "artistic" and "creative" one in our relationship, Ryan managed to trump me in said department. Every day I wake up to a new message in my shower written in my hair...I know I am gross, my hair falls out and it sticks to the walls of the shower. Let's just say that Ryan made lemonade out of lemons. There have been other messages...and more to come...although Ryan is loosing hair, his is not growing back. I look forward to the day he completely shaves his head. I think a completely bald head is super hot. Spicy hot. Ryan's ability to adapt to our challenges is spicy hot to me.

And making this blog topic is the Card my best friend Heidi sent me in the mail. It was a "I am bummed I can't come to your recital" package with clothing, perfume, and a card. Here is what the card said:

"If you ever need to talk you can call me."

On the inside it said:
"There'll be screaming in the background, I'll have to hide in a closet to hear you...It'll be awesome."

Heidi is another person who totally gets me. She and I have been friends for 23 years. Although we are complete opposites, it was kismet the day we met. Luckily we even get the chance to raise our kids together. Sometimes we cry together, and sometimes we laugh until we need a sedative. She just Graduated with Honors in English...and I know she will be a published writer someday. I cherish her.

Magnificent March

2011-04-08T10:24:00.000-06:00

Magnificent March ended this way:

I went and spent an afternoon with my mother for her birthday. I took her to lunch and then we savored and enjoyed cake. The most delicious cake I have eaten in a very long time. AMAZING. My mother is one of the few people on earth who truly gets me. She understands my soul. She and I are close. I cherish her, and am so grateful to her for so many reasons. She was brave as a young mother and dared to break the cycle she grew up in. That as my sister once eloquently stated is why we are here. To break the cycle of whatever baggage we were born into or have endured. Lately, my mother is my hero. I don't know of very many people who endure through so many challenges and keep trying.

March was quite an exciting month at our home, not only did we get to celebrate many birthdays we also had a child recover from Pneumonia...graciously, we thank many for the prayers sent his way.

With urgency, we are sending a lot of prayers to a family right now whose three year old has been in the hospital for 4 weeks. He was admitted after Oliver has not left. He has Pneumonia, and his body is not recovering...

yep

2011-04-04T12:13:00.000-06:00

Why I love being a graduate student....

2011-04-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

In my History of Theory class we give Presentations once a month on a theory treatise, or composer who researched a specific treatise. This week I presented a treatise writer and composer. Here is what my professor had to say about my presentation:

"You compiled a very good handout (it is always nice to include a picture). You maintained good volume and good eye contact throughout; however, you had a tendency to put your hands on your hips; at one point, you had your right hand on your hip while your left was outstretched, and I thought you were going to begin a rendition of "I'm a little teapot..." Your hands would also play with your jewelry from time to time; thus, I would encourage you to rest your hands on the lectern to avoid having them distract from your presentation."

Good job!

Grade = 5/5

I hate speaking in front of others, if only I could have sung "I'm a little tea pot"

Recipe for wet hay....DELICIOUS!

2011-03-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

Remember how I have decided to thank my body for all it does for me!? well, besides thanking it, I have decided to put really good things into my body and see what happens. What happens is wet hay....yes, in a little shaking device every morning I put one scoop of this Garden of Life shake, one scoop of E7, 1/4 cup coconut milk and water....then I shake like crazy and try not to gag. It literally tastes like wet hay. And, not only does it taste like wet hay, the texture is similar.

All sarcasm aside, I feel really great. Really great. I also have been taking Oregano supplements daily to combat the bacterial and viral party happening at my son's kindergarten. SERIOUSLY, I have been warned about the first year of Kindergarten, but I had no idea that my home would feel like a war zone. If there is bacteria or viruses to be had, they will attack. On top of all the sickness, not being able to leave your home or ask for help for fear of infecting innocent people I have had to take a mood lifter called SAM-E you can get it at costco....I highly recommend this product.

*Disclaimer* no money was made while typing or publishing this post from any of the products listed in this blog entry.

Leprechauns and Lent

2011-03-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

This March not only have we celebrated many birthdays, we have also celebrated Lucky...the Leprechaun.

Every year Aiden's kindergarten teacher teaches the kids songs, and nursery rhymes about a little Leprechaun who is sneaky. The day before St. Patrick's day the children bring their traps in hopes of catching the sneaky little guy...there was so much joy in this project, and the songs that Aiden has been singing make me very happy. They even put on a presentation in front of the whole school and wait in anticipation for lucky to come. On March 18th, Aiden ran into school and here is what he found:

Lucky took all the gold...see the foot prints? There was a tiny little note telling him to try harder next time...

Hand prints on the door of the trap! So close.

Foot prints and hand prints all over the trap.

The front before Lucky had menaced the trap.

Before we took the trap to school. The rainbow was my idea.

Oliver was the man in charge of deciding how the trap should look and work...he reminded me that we could use his diaper box and that it was time to get more diapers....:)

LENT!!!

And for this year, I have decided to take lent very serious...and by serious, I mean serious. From the Oxford Online Dictionary I found this definition of Lent:
a. Christian Church. The period including 40 weekdays extending from Ash-Wednesday to Easter-eve, observed as a time of fasting and penitence, in commemoration of Jesus's fasting in the wilderness.

SO, as a fasting in the wilderness, I gave up Facebook for Lent. I am proud to report that I have not got on Facebook...not once. Although I missed Ash Wednesday's service because I was singing at Capitol Theater, I kept in mind my many blessings because of my relationship with the one and only watching over me.

Penitence:"The fact or state of being penitent; sorrow for sin or offence committed, together with the desire for and intention of amendment; repentance." -oxford online dictionary.

I do have the desire for, and Intention of amendment.

Interesting side note...Purple is the color of Lent...in Italy they believe it is bad luck to wear purple when you sing (or perform). During Lent, many people give up things they enjoy like opera, and other concerts...so Lent is the season known for a real economic downturn for artists in Italy. Even opera directors will not use the color purple for their costumes. Truth be told, the one girl who wore purple in one of the concerts this summer had some seriously weird stuff go down every time she sang....weird right?

Getting something right.

2011-03-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I feel completely alone raising my kids.
As usual, I get in bed at night and wonder why I am doing all the things that are recommended in parenting with love and logic, but my kids still fight, they still push boundaries, and etc etc etc. When does the day come where children realize that one consequence should be enough?

I HAD A BREAK THROUGH ON FRIDAY. My son flipped out at me at his Grandma's house over loosing privileges to WII after hitting his brother. Flipped out I tell you. But I stayed calm...the usual hurricane that is going on inside of me wondering when will this end?!? came to a peaceful head. This is the way it will be until they leave my home. I will stay calm while they LEARN from their mistakes. I have had the privilege to learn from my own.

The other conquest was this: "Son, I love you, very much. This lesson is hard, very hard. But I love you. In our home we do not result in anger to solve our problems, we do not use physical things to prove our point or get our way. We talk about our frustrations, and try to see things from another person's perspective. You did not loose your privileges because you felt human emotions such as anger or frustration, you lost your privileges because you acted in a way that hurt another person. I love you, when you are ready to talk about how you could have handled that situation I will be ready to listen."

Aiden: "I was not able to control my anger...I should have walked away, or pushed pause and talked it out with Oliver."

Me: "I love you, how do you think you can solve this?"

Aiden: "I will go give Oliver a hug and tell him I am sorry."

Me: "well, if he is not ready to receive your apology, you need to understand."

Aiden: "Okay, I got really mad at him."

DAD: (walking into the chaos.) "Aiden, your mom is right, you will not be playing wii for a week, and that is a bummer."

Aiden: (sobbing) "I didn't control my anger dad, I will do better next time."

I have been a die hard believer in parenting with love and logic. For some reason the empathy has taken 5 years to get. In parenting with love and logic they believe that one should give equal amounts of consequence with empathy.

I finally understand the empathy. No one enjoys being the center of attention because they are the BAD guy. NO one. But empathy without consequence teaches a child to be manipulative. Consequences without empathy teaches your child that they have no choice in fixing or solving a problem. It somehow hardens them into thinking that when they are being given a consequence they must react with more anger and more attitude.

I feel a relief that I have never felt before. I understand. I get it. Even if in the past I have stayed calm on the outside, inside there was a hurricane.

Also, having a husband who did not even have to hear what happened to stand behind me 100% is something I am so thankful for.

Little women....

2011-03-15T23:31:00.005-07:00

I am in production this week with Utah opera in the American opera Little Women by Mark Adamo. The composer has been at the rehearsals, and he is currently writing a new opera to be premiered soon.... Here is the review in the salt lake tribune:

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/51406659-76/opera-utah-women-march.html.csp

If you would like to get tickets, go here:

http://www.utahopera.org/concert-detail.php?id=275

Here are two samples from the opera, (a different cast)

I have actually studied this opera when I was a young artist with Central City opera in 2002 and sung this aria for the Metropolitan opera competition in 2003. I love this opera, and I have been so grateful to be a part of this production. If you can come and see it, I think you will enjoy it, very few American operas have been received in such a warm way.

Here is one of the most gorgeously written opera moments of the twenty first century.

Oliver's party with the chuk master.

2011-03-15T09:32:00.004-07:00

Despite all of my efforts to be the hostess of extraordinary efforts and all things domestic, my kids actually prefer a party by Chukee. So, because we had to cancel having others come to our house for Aiden's birthday we decided that we should all celebrate both of their birthdays at Chukee cheese. Everyone was invited, but only those brave enough came. :) Anyway, all sarcasm about Chukee cheese aside, kids really love it there. I think because it is too loud to talk about adult things there...you are constantly saying "huh?" because the excitement from the children overwhelms any adult conversation.Aiden doing the booty shake...if you have not seen it you are really missing out.
yes, four candles on that cake...who knew?
Cutest kid.
The celebrating deviants, who despite all my efforts prefer chukee to their own mother.

Wearing the "limited edition" birthday medal standing with Chukee.
Yes, I am actually texting and holding coffee!
I am really grateful for Oliver. He is more like me than either of my kids, and because looking at him is like looking in a mirror, I learn more about myself every day. I also enjoy that I see both the good and the bad, and have a choice to nurture or put the behavior under wraps. He is a grateful child, he is loving and so appreciative of kindness. He is determined and sometimes difficult when he wants something, he listens and looks up to those around him. He observes animals and adores our pets. He is often the one to diminish negativity in our home by saying something observantly sweet, or funny. He is persistent in ways that are sometimes shocking, and sometimes very hard to talk down from the tantrum. He has absolutely no desire to potty train, he reminds me to pick up diapers when I go to the store. He even prefers the foods I prefer. His favorite foods are pomegranate, rice, and potatoes. When he speaks about something he cares about, or something he really wants you to understand his intensity sends an entire room of adults into laughter. He has no idea, that his little spirit, lifts up so many people...he packs around every stuffed animal in our home and names them and told me he wants to be like Diego when he grows up and rescue animals. :)

The Ollie is very loved.

Pics of Aiden's birthday party.

2011-03-06T16:23:00.005-07:00

Casing out the cake....six cake candles seems so much bigger.

My favorite picture of all time: I asked the two men to get a picture of the birthday boy with the decorations....can you say literal or what? We had a ton of decorations...

Majestic, magnificent, marvelous March!

2011-03-05T13:00:00.002-07:00

The number six is important today. Aiden is six years old, and in those six years Ryan and I have grown in ways one can't really express. March is a wonderful month! We celebrate several birthdays, our own children, a nephew, a sister, a father, and a mother. Blessed be March!

Aiden acquired strep throat for his birthday, so we decided to keep anyone who could be susceptible to such an illness away...children, pregnant women, etc. We partied hard and had meatballs and spaghetti, a salad and Rosemary bread. When I asked Aiden what he wanted for his birthday he said: "I want Ollie to feel better."

The greatest thing about a birthday for me is the realization that they are their own human being. They come as a helpless baby who needs everything provided for them, and with each year they become their own person. I enjoy this aspect very much. I love that he is perceptive, that he is persistent, and that he is strong willed and kind. I cherish his ability to recognize a challenge and say "I am gonna beat it."

I love his little brown eyes, and his curly locks that look crazy in the morning. I love that when he was asked what made him special he paused for a moment and said: "everyone is special in their own way...but I am Aiden...and I am fast." If you ask him how fast he is he will show you. This year has been just as exciting as the year he was born. He has learned that his brother can be his best friend, or his enemy depending on how he treats him. He has learned to read, ride a bike, swim, and count to 55. He can identify words now in public and knows what other people in a room are talking about if they spell. He has learned to ask more questions, rather than react. He has learned that compassion when someone is hurt is a much better way to handle the situation than to place blame or try to find fault. He is constantly being challenged and growing as a person.

My favorite moment this year was: (explanation needed) Our children have NEVER been good eaters, in the sense that they do not eat a lot. They eat small meals 6 times a day. They love being around people so when they sit down in big groups to eat they rarely want to partake in the food, they want to snuggle, hug run around and be a part of something active. This, is something I have talked with their pediatrician extensively with. After much thought, I have decided not to make a big deal about it. They eat when they are hungry and they know when to stop. In an overweight, guilt ridden, addict laden world, it is something I knowingly decide not to worry about. Our pediatrician feels that one fist full of food per age three times a day is enough food. They are growing just fine and eat vegetables....and like good food.

Enough background, one night Aiden wanted to fight me about eating. I calmly replied, "Aiden, food is not about control, or punishment, we eat to feel good, and supply our body with what it needs. Eat until you feel satisfied and then you are free to play." He then wanted to keep fighting...so I said: "there are children in the world Aiden who literally starve because they do not have food. They starve to death." He replied "that is so sad, we should go feed them the food you make..." To that I felt warm inside and replied "begin by being grateful for the meal that is in front of you, and then we can give kindness to others.

It has been said that a child has more milestones in the first year of their life than any other year.

I think we should reconsider what a mile stone is....because this year, just like his first is a year I will cherish just like the first year of his life. Now the year of being six!

Our newest member of the family

2011-02-22T10:21:00.007-07:00

Béla Christa Mozart Simoniato joined our family on February 16 2011. The entire family is elated, even the cats.

I have been very productive. I have two professional gigs this month and the time I am saving by not having to go somewhere else to practice is a dream come true.

Aiden has already learned to play a major scale. Understands a pentatonic scale, what it consists of and how it sounds different from a major scale. He has let me teach him how to play a trill and is looking forward to piano lessons this summer.

Here are some pics:

The background on this piano is extra cool. A student of mine recently lost her mother in a car accident. The family decided that the piano should go to me...I insisted that I at least give my student some lessons in exchange for the piano.

I cannot believe that I am the recipient of such kindness. I have played this piano at least 3 hours a day...I am so humbled and grateful that now I can practice all of my music for upcoming gigs, and that my children will have the opportunity to learn to play the piano.

AND! Doesn't the piano look gorgeous in my home?!

My gratitude list

2011-02-16T10:19:00.003-07:00

Here is a list of things I am grateful for in no particular order:

My husband and his hard working nature.

My children and their ability to challenge me, teach me, and center everything I know about love.

Lynn watching the kids one day a week so that I can pursue a master's degree. Her list of kindness is giant.

Pat offering to help when she can, and being so good to them.

My students.

My professors.

My challenges.

My body.

My friends.

My family.

Ryan's Family.

I am grateful for a roof over my head.

I am grateful for the people who made it possible for me to sing in Europe.

(it is a giant list)

I am grateful for my mom's progress, for her kind nature, and for her work ethic. I think many would have given up months ago. Yet she keeps working hard at her recovery. She is now bustling about and making sure she can mop the floor. :)

I think more than I can express; my new voice teacher. It is really hard to explain how she has changed my life. She has given me permission to be amazing, to fail, to stand up for myself, to accept kindness, and to feel loved. She does not dote over me, she is tough on me...essentially she is the truest form of "parenting with love and logic" I have found, and I now see how well it works.

I am grateful for many things. I have been so focused lately on my obligations, that I have forgotten to sit down and express my gratitude for my life.

My newest goal

2011-02-16T09:30:00.004-07:00

I look at pictures and I see flaws. Constantly.

From here forth, I will thank my body every day for the hard work it does for me. DAILY. My body has done amazing things for me. Although I am not the poster child for delivering children with a medal, or a blue ribbon, I recover from the surgeries, and my body works hard.

I am not a mother who looks great pregnant, or after pregnancy and I don't look great after twenty plus hours of labor. There are no pictures validating my beauty. There is a number on a scale that determines some beauty. For me, no longer.

I am going to be proud of who I am and what I look like. But more importantly I am going to thank my body. I am going to teach my children not to take for granted a physical body, and just how lucky we are to have one. I have experienced a lot of wonderful things, that without a body would be impossible.

Just look at this moment. The double chin, the puffy arms, they are mine, and they are not a reflection of how I felt inside, or the kind of mother, teacher, friend, or wife I am.

Cheers to women of all shapes and sizes who are doing really amazing things every day.

Vitality of Verbs

2011-02-16T09:19:00.002-07:00

Next time you feel an emotion, assign a verb to the emotion.

For instance: If you love someone, place a verb where the emotion is. If I love someone, I CHERISH them. Cherish being the verb. Verbs are an action. It is rarely enough to just love someone without showing it.

If I am grateful I: Oblige, or appreciate.

If I am angry I: Reject

If I am happy I: Beam

This is how I have been nurturing emotions at our house lately. It is also something I have been doing to make my children aware of their own emotion. Making children aware of their emotions is hard work, hard work makes me tired. :)

When I am tired I: Disconcert

Halloween.

2010-12-27T19:04:00.005-07:00

To say that I am behind on blogging would be the worlds biggest understatement.

But, I actually have been getting caught up on my scrapbooks.

DRUM ROLL...the wedding album is almost done.

Halloween was full of sugar and fun this year. Not only did we dress up and go all out, I was the only parent who showed up to my son's kindergarten party dressed up. I rolled in as the cat and the hat, and lets just say that my fan club now consists of 21 five year olds.

For the Christmas party I showed up dressed like an elf...well, not really, but boy were they happy to see me carrying a giant bag of candy.

I have a lot of fun these days with a son in Kindergarten. We frantically bust out of the door just minutes before school starts. We go the rounds monthly about the importance of going to school, and just as I start something it is time to go pick him up. Our house is overflowing with papers, drawings and glued projects, that in all honesty end up stuck to something.

BUT, my heart skips a beat every time I watch him write his name.

Oliver and I join in on the learning frenzy two days a week. I go and do whatever I am asked to do, and Oliver is somewhat like the class mascot. Although he pretends not to love the attention, I can tell he enjoys going.

What I have learned? The English language takes some twists and turns...and 5 year olds can learn anything if they have a great teacher.

I have also learned that moms, once again, are the quintessential glue holding the tiny hands of the world together. I have seen hours of time donated to every persons education at my sons school, what a great thing.

I never knew that my heart would jump around and act so crazy when my oldest son read a book to me for the first time. WOW. That's an emotion I won't be able to scrapbook.

Come on snow!?!

2010-09-30T10:43:00.001-06:00

I am anxiously awaiting snow....here is why:

Scratch that.

2010-09-18T15:11:00.003-06:00

My voice teacher gave me this to look at, and I have decided to replace the "Sea Pictures" with this! I can't wait to sink my larynx into this set of three, and hopefully I will sing it with orchestra some day!

Lately, there is not a second to blog...but when I can I have some great photos and wonderful moments to blog about.

I was called by the Utah Symphony to sing in November, I am elated. There are just five women in the solo chorus. Oh the gratitude.

You can get tickets here:http://utahsymphony.org/concert-detail.php?id=278

November 5th and 6th at Abravanel Hall.

Sea Pictures, Elgar

2010-08-31T08:31:00.002-06:00

The excitement in life right now is all about Elgar...I am learning it for a competition...and I am smitten. I hope to give it due credit. I really believe after analysis and research that is a true gem among the repertoire.

Motherhood/Italy/a new friendship

2010-08-20T23:33:00.003-06:00

Meet Susan. An inspiring person. Susan and I met the first day among chaos at the airport. I spotted her and she spotted me. Perhaps it was the same energy? Who am I without my children at my heal, or my husband to care for? OR a connection.

3 days later we would end up in our first Italian class together. My longing for my family was transparent I am sure. Within moments of learning Italian, I had to involve my children, my husband and cats. IN ITALIAN.

One week later Susan would pull me aside and profess her desire to be my friend. She wanted to know all about me, and how on earth I was so happy. Susan retired from her Psychology practice 1 year earlier to pursue a life long dream in music. She had a very successful practice, raised kids and now lives on a ranch awaiting grand babies.

We spent a lot of time talking about the significance of motherhood. How it grounds you. How it changes the hardness you can feel, and makes you fight harder than you ever thought you could. I told her about so many triumphs in my life, where I surprised myself of my own strength. She then told me about her recent fight with cancer...what kept her fighting? Her kids. The love she had for her kids. As I write this I still remember the emotions that overwhelmed me when she told me this. She is not hardened by life, the twists and turns that she has taken were nothing like she thought. Yet she still dreams, and still finds joy. In life.

I am so grateful for my children.

Susan begged me to give her a voice lesson. So, I sat with her and explained how I begin every warm up. The process I go through every time I sing...and when I told her that the most important thing in any sound is honesty she bawled. She found a new voice within herself, and shared more of her life experiences with me.

Susan is a gem.

My last performance in Italy

2010-08-20T23:09:00.003-06:00

I Have a lot of emotions looking at these photos...Here it goes.

The two other girls in my cast were a dream come true. Grounded, kind, genuinely concerned about the well being of myself and other cast members, and fun to work with. They were funny. We laughed and laughed over our ridiculous characters until our stomaches hurt. We also laughed on stage, but NEVER during a performance. :) I pinched myself every time we went out to light up the stage with our voices!

The walkway to our venue...really? was I really there? Did I GET to sing in Italy? Was that me?
One of the views from the venue...

Me trying to look pensive and ready for my last show.
Another view....

I get it. I am lucky. Not harder working, or more deserving, or more blessed. I am lucky. Lucky that my husband gets who I am and that he didn't flinch about me having this experience. He knows that I want to be where I am. This is the life I have and I have one chance to make it what it is.

I also get that there was an out pouring of love in an effort to get me there.

Here is what one of my donors said to me...." the world is kind of a boring place with a lot of work, and very little joy, music makes the world a much better place, it brings us joy and that is why we donate money to make it continue."

I fell in love with my life. I found out who I am and what makes me so unique.

I have continuously poured my soul into music from the age of thirteen. I really shan't count the years, for that would divulge my age, however it has been a journey of love.

Aiden can swim

2010-08-20T16:57:00.005-06:00

I have been home from Italy three weeks tomorrow. In a lot of ways it feels like I never left.
In just three weeks we have packed a lot of life in. Aiden has learned to swim without any assistance...which is huge for a parent. And he swims well so I trust him. Not enough to not watch him, but with two kids it is much easier to go swim now with one being a swimmer.
He even jumps off the diving board and swims to the edge.
Here he is coming up for a breath!
Oliver just chillin. He rarely wears a life jacket, but this was especially funny to me.
More diving board action.

Vienna

2010-07-27T05:55:00.003-06:00

Today I am going to the place where Mozart and Beethoven are decomposing...super excited to see it.

Yesterday I went to the Staatsopera...just outside, where music was performed that they composed!

The Lord is my Shepherd. Top ten

2010-07-26T15:07:00.003-06:00

The second week that I was in Italy, I received a call that my mother had a stroke.

The good part of Italy has only one number...and it is 1-10.

Every other day I would receive information about my mom, and that she was making steady progress. 1-10. What made Italy great. Good news from home.

I do not know why my mom has had to go through this challenge, but I know that God answers prayers.

I have had writers block around the whole scenario...I have been working twelve hours a day. What has gotten me through those days is knowing that my prayers were being answered.

I get to return home on Saturday, and I am looking forward to seeing her and kissing her head and telling her how much I love her.

1-10.

Top ten

2010-07-26T11:30:00.002-06:00

In a nutshell Italy was awesome. Now that I can breathe, here are the top ten things I did not love about Italy and my experience: (imagine that David Letterman is announcing this)

10. Tiger mosquitoes. I received at least 12 mosquito bites a day.

09. Fish with eyes. When you order fish in Italy, they bring you the entire cooked fish on a plate. Talk about guilt.

08. Carbs only. Meat and protein was extremely expensive...

07. Chick pea salad. I ate chick pea salad for weeks. (my own creation, and super cheep, although I will be satisfied to not eat them for a while.)

06. The 22 hour fast of 2010. Not because I wanted to.

05. Singing my act two aria at midnight. Shows start at 9:30 In Italy.

04. My 98 degree bedroom at night.

03. My snoring room mate.

02. Hunger during reposa!

Drum roll please!

01. A bed with crates, like the ones you see food shipped on in the grocery store. OR Prepositions....it is really hard to decide.

Can't Wait to get home!

2010-07-23T17:18:00.003-06:00

I really really really miss my kids and my husband. This has been very hard, and I miss a lot of people right now. I got this photo in an email and I have been so homesick.

I have done a lot of things here...but the triumph of the summer was passing ITALIAN! I took a government test and passed. It is a miracle.

I miss mis mis miss miss miss my spouse. Like I can't explain.

Meet Lisetta

2010-07-18T03:40:00.011-06:00

This is Lisetta. She is a spunky thing with fabulous music. I have really enjoyed learning this music and singing with such amazing people. The production was hilarious!!! I embodied Carol Bernette, what a great time.Ms. Lisetta. Io, va bene.
Me in the theater! It literally took my breath away. I sobbed. In private, but I sobbed like a baby.
The front of the stage. With Original 17th century tapestries.
The box seats...with paintings that resemble those of La Scala!
The Ceiling and chandelier.
The program, my double is a graduate with a Master's degree from Cincinnati conservatory of music
Warming up
Warming up my head voice...the cryco aritinoid muscles need work before a big sing.

The tardy post..

2010-07-13T23:28:00.007-06:00

So I know that the 4th of July was 10 days ago, but given the fact that I have been swamped, here it is!

So for the festivities on our nations birthday (which all of Utah, when a holiday falls on a Sunday, it is celebrated on the Saturday prior), we decided to go and see the West Jordan parade. This worked out perfect in my mind, since the weather was good, the parade wasn't far away, and it got us out of the house for a couple of hours.

The parade was great, fire engines, police motorcycle stunt driving, 4-wheelers, dancers, bands and floats. The kids had a blast and enjoyed the parade!

After the parade we ran some errands, and after a bit of dinner we went out to do the celebratory firework show. The advantage to this night's fireworks were that they were supplied by a co-worker of mine who had more than he could possibly use, so bonus freebie fireworks at the McMillan house! Score! Here are a couple pics from the driveway firework show:

Then it was off to see the big firework show from the High School, both the boys were SUPER excited to see the big fireworks, so, since it was dark and it got a bit chilly, we bundled up in jackets and blankets and headed off to see the show. This is the before picture:

It was scheduled to start at 10:30, and we pulled up at 10:35, still no fireworks.... so we tried to wait patiently, and as the minutes turned the boys eyes began to droop. The pic 3 minutes before the show:

During the show:

Since we had such a great time on the 3rd, the boys wanted to do it again, but this time with sparklers and pops... that is all they wanted, so simple enough, we went and got a pack of sparklers, and 200 pops, more than enough to keep a 5 and a 3 year old occupied and happy for over an hour. This was great, we had an awesome time and got to play around with the camera a bit to provide you with some really interesting photos. Take a look and see what you can make out!

Mi piace Venizie

2010-07-09T14:14:00.017-06:00

When I say that I "piace" Venizie, I mean I really love love love Venice. The people of Venice love opera. If it weren't surrounded by water I would move instantly. :) With spouse and offspring.
The Doges Palace, more of my people in statue.
The Doges palace,...gold, gold and more gold. The art work in this palace is quite famous, and is an amazing thing to see first hand. I remember learning all about the art work in my undergrad. There is a ball room inside where the town would meet to dance...the walls are covered with fresco's. Breathtaking. No cameras are allowed inside the palace...this is the stairway walking into the palace.
Italian Humidity is like nothing I have experienced. I am not sweating in this picture. THis is humidity. The elevation, and moisture in the air are quite nice for la voce!
A shot from the bridge
A view from the ferry.
St. Mark's square, at the top of the basilica. This cathedral was done entirely in mosaics inside. ENTIRELY. It inspired me to do a craft when I get home for my mom.
Me singing on a Gondola.

A few pics for the fam....

2010-07-02T16:00:00.007-06:00

For my piccoli piccoli! E mio Marito,

I have spent hours dreaming about when I will sing at la Scala and bring my family.

When I got to Rome, I hit the ground running and have not stopped moving since. Every day has been packed with a challenge, and some days I have felt almost like an angel has been watching over me.

Dreams are not for those who lack responsibility or hard work. They are the realization of sacrifice and dedication to something that makes one happy.

I am in love with Italy, the birth place of Opera, a place where in art covering every wall is a painting of every kind of woman, idolizing the mere beauty of life. I often comment as I point to the paintings "look, more of my people." The women are happy here, full of life and very expressive. When in the stores here in Nova Feltria I am mistaken for being Italian.

With that being said, I wish to share this with my husband and family some day...until then, here is what I saw and hope you can enjoy.
The "Ponte Vecchio" in Florence.
Me at the top of the bell Tower of the Duomo.
The view of the Duomo from the Bell tower...424 stairs later...piece of cake at sea level. :)
Who had permission to sculpt my husband so many years ago?
Me with a very cool car in Florence Italy. I have decided that a car like this is the ultimate test for any relationship. If you and I were to travel in this car across Europe, would we still be friends at the end of the trip?

Well, I hoped to have written more, but I open on Monday night and the other person contracted to sing my role on two of the nights is very ill, so I need to be prepared to sing all four performances....Cioa mio Filgi until the next post of great pics.

Mi piace LUI

Aiden's latest achievement

2010-06-27T13:14:00.006-06:00

Since it was a gorgeous evening last night, I thought it might be fun to take the bikes for a ride. The boys were all for it and so we took off. During our ride around the block I noticed that one of the training wheels on his bike was a bit loose, so I suggested to Aiden that we take the training wheels off and see what happens. Sure enough I convinced him to give it a go and we went over to the park to give it a try. The first couple of attempts he did fine, only going a few feet before loosing balance, but within minutes, he had it down and was going 70-80 feet at a shot, not to mention doing it in the grass.
He is still a bit wobbly, but he is getting the hang of it and loves the freedom.

Ah Italy

2010-06-20T23:40:00.001-06:00

I spent less than 24 hours in Rome, I have one day at the end of my adventure to see more sights, and lets just say, I am in love with this culture. They live, and love life. I went to a restaurant and had the best meal of my life for 14 euro. My flights went smooth. I caught the right train in Rome, got on the right metro in Rome and walked straight to my hotel. Honestly, I felt watched over the whole time. I can say it was my experience in New York for years, but really, I give all the credit to the big man upstairs. I have auditions and several rehearsals today so I need to keep it simple and get to work.

Me in the window of my hotel in Rome. Before embracing humidity.
On my walk I turned the corner, and there was the Colosseum....Crazy.
These are everywhere in Europe....guess what they are?
Santa Maria Maggiore, The Oldest Roman catholic Cathedral in Rome. Located two blocks from my hotel. One of the most breathtaking things I have ever seen. I almost felt disrespectful taking pictures...so I just stood there and took it in. Every tiny and giant thing in there was made by hand. I couldn't stop taking in all the details, and craftsmanship.
After my Roman adventure...Notice my hair with humidity. Ps. Isn't the view of my courtyard in my hotel divine..?

The Fathers Day Song

2010-06-20T10:57:00.005-06:00

So, I was surprised this morning while I was checking in on my "digital life" by my boys ingenuity and humor with this little tidbit. First they came up from the basement with the good ol' Guitar Hero guitars which they know are off limits unless we are there with them, but Aiden quickly started into his routine, slowly followed by Oliver. I have to give it to them, they get their love for music from their mother and I can see that they may have a future in it.

Enjoy the video's, I know I sure enjoyed it!!

First Take:

Second Take, with a bit of discussion on the lyrics:

A day at the zoo with Ms. Heidi. And kids.

2010-06-18T00:51:00.001-06:00

My good friend Heidi of of 21 years summoned me out of my house and insisted I take her to the zoo. The kids were behaved, and the animals moved around. Normally they just sit and hate the heat.

Buon Giorno!!

2010-06-17T08:30:00.004-06:00

Lascio per l'Italia presto e sono pieni di emozioni diverse!!!

It is the morning of the day I leave. There is a lot going through this little brain of mine.

I spent most of last night looking at my family in a very surreal way.

I am so excited to sing music belonging to the queen of the moon. :)

I am lucky to have the support I have. In fact the gratitude is overflowing.

Do I look sad? This is how I woke up.
This is me trying to take a photo with a shiny forehead.
This is Max, wearing Aiden's preschool graduation cap. Ryan has the photos on his camera. stay tuned.
The boys standing next to Max.

I am flying for 19 hours. I have never done that. I am similar to a new born baby when I don't get sleep. Ambien in bag.

I was born to be where I am right at this minute. :) that is supposed to sound profound...but it is just feeling funny at this point.

I wish maria callas would have had a husband and children like mine.

I will miss my husband terribly. Something so very fierce.

Watch out Michael Angelo, I am coming to look at all of your masterpieces. I cry at beauty.

I have joked about this, but I am sure of it. Once the Estrogen leaves the house I think the real living will happen. Days upon end without brushing teeth, reusing underwear. Eating in front of the TV. All day video game playing.

Macaroni and cheese every day. :) I have looked into the crystal ball...:)

Here goes our adventure.

(ryan has promised to blog about what goes on here....)

Goodbye Yamir.

2010-06-16T00:36:00.005-06:00

After a long struggle with a blade and several other skin cutting devices Yamir was taken out of my arm on Tuesday June 9th. Yamir was a cyst the size of a golf ball.

One week post surgery. Looking pretty good. Just a little bruising.

Day of surgery. I name everything, unlike my kids who names things based on how they look. Had they named it, it would have been "round hard mass."

Later alligator.

A not so great day.

2010-06-09T23:15:00.002-06:00

Part of documenting a journey, (life) includes the not so great times.

This past week we made a decision. A big decision. We decided to send me to Italy by myself to work. I will not be sightseeing or luxuriously sitting at the beach getting massages. I will be in a 407 page opera that involves me in all except 5 scenes. I must know what is going on in every part of the opera, whether I am singing or not. I have translated all 407 pages of the opera. I will coach extensively, and sing performances throughout the region and have 4 recital performances that showcase just me.

I get 3 days in the entire adventure to "sight see."

We don't go into consumer debt.

In fact we don't even own a credit card!! The gypsies in Italy will be very sad if they try to pick pocket me.

The arts are funded by donations. By donors. They always have been. I have been judged lately for daring to raise money on my behalf to get this opportunity to work. (to work) Not to go and spend 6 weeks enjoying all of Europe's sights. I will finally get to work for some very well known people in the business. I understand dues, I understand work, I don't understand judging someone when you have never walked in their shoes.

I am the product. I have spent 20 years singing. I have never turned down an important event for someone because they could not pay me. Never. In fact, I have sung for free for many churches when they couldn't afford to squeeze me in their budget. I have done several fundraiser concerts for cancer/AIDS/Autissm....name it.

Mozart was payed to write masses, symphonies,...all commissioned. All music is supported by people, and the people who support it want people who are willing to work hard at technique to preserve the music.

I have never asked anyone to help me with a journey such as this, and the whole process was so hard. After understanding how it all works, I wrote a letter and did just that, asked people to join me at my recital and make an investment in my future.

Today was a not so great day when it comes to days revolving around judgment, money, leaving my kids. ETC. Mostly because of my own inability to realize that although I genuinely consider myself non judgmental, I am surrounded by people who judge everything I do. Who actually feel superior to me because of my lack of whatever...

I am flawed. I will list them for you if you stop judging me. Then you can go about your day feeling superior, I will call you daily and tell you that you are better than me, make better choices, have a better life, and are happier. Then, and then can we be friends with non judgement?

Yes, I hear it. Why do I care? Why? Why do you care about others being judgmental?

Because. There are many ways to love your family. Men do it every day by going to work all day. Some men go to war for years to support their family. That is love.

Because. There are many ways to be respectable human beings. Some people have nothing to give, but they donate their time. Many people offer a listening ear when they live far away. Some people have professions that make more money and so they give money to charities.

Because. There are many ways of being happy. I guess I long for a world where there is a little more tolerance on the subject. Happiness doesn't have a brand or a size or a specific color, it fits into the skin of heavy people, thin people, those in between.

Because. I would be lying if I didn't cough up and admit, that part of my flaws include feeling down when others judge me. Because I am not impervious to pain, I have flesh and the capacity to love my children beyond measure and feel pain. But I would never be malicious because of such feelings.

I wasn't given anyone else's list of talents. I was given mine.

So to end this yucky not so good day, I read all the letters from the people who are cheering me on. One thing is for certain, when one walks out onto a stage to sing or do anything in front of thousands of people one needs to have support. I have been shocked by the amount of people cheering me on. The day ended with some great children's books and singing to sleep.

There is already an ache about leaving my kids. An ache I can't explain. But, I have promised to not be ungrateful for my blessings, and that is a promise I will keep.

There. I feel better. Better out than in.

Home from a mission

2010-06-05T22:52:00.002-06:00

My nephew came home from an LDS mission this week. To celebrate we went to his homecoming, my sister, mom and I did a beautiful arrangement of "How Great thou Art" My nephew spoke and it was a wonderful talk. Here are photos of the get together afterwards.

Vacation/graduation celebration

2010-06-03T22:19:00.002-06:00

Kevin, Ryan's brother graduated from college on May 14th. We decided, because we have waited in anticipation for this day for their family to go and see them after suor angelica. We drove 12 hours uphill both ways. :) I really enjoy Kevin and his family. I also enjoy that they enjoy being around us! It's a two-fer.

Here are a few photos of our wonderful time! We swam, swam, and then laughed and swam some more. I decided to buy floaties, which are completely against the law at public pools. But wouldn't you know it, we had three swimmers in just three day, as promised on the box.

A three year old without a binky!

Suor Angelica

2010-06-01T21:43:00.005-06:00

I made my Utah Opera Main stage debut and sang in 5 performances in May of 2010. It was an experience that I genuinely feel words would sound trite expressing. I remember the day I sat in capitol theater and watched my first opera and decided to devote my life to music. I also remember the day I dreamed about having a family, and the fear I have felt about having both and balancing all of it

Neeldess to say, it did not suck! I am so glad that I persevered through some very hard times to realize such dreams, even sweeter was coming home to my family.

If I ever can do cross over, this would be a dream of mine.

Warming up, getting the cheek bones and palate ready.

In my dressing room, just moments before walking out on stage.

Sister Genevieve and I, we shared a dressing room. That's right, nuns, but a different show. Every night I would warm up with "Climb every Mountain" and Genevieve would giggle.

"Till you find your dreams"....

Yes you can

2010-06-01T21:32:00.006-06:00

Aiden asked if he could have a rice krispy treat, I said yes. Here is what happened.

When I asked him why he cut it out in such a manner he replied:" mom, everyone knows that circles taste better than squares."

Everyone.

First Master's Recital

2010-05-17T13:38:00.004-06:00

On Sunday night I gave my first Master's recital. I am somewhat feeling surreal today about it. Mostly because I genuinely love music. With my entire body, mind and soul. Those who came and got the opportunity to read my program notes, know that I spent hours preparing for it vocally, and then saw a little piece of my soul...especially in how I picked the music and put the program notes together...

Here is an excerpt from my program notes:

THE DESERT AS A METAPHOR

"A place of abandon or a place that one finds God; that is the metaphor I am referring to. Fortunately, there was not a void in finding music with texts appropriate to fit such a setting. In this selection process it really became quite personal. I have walked a life that knows the feeling of abandon, first hand and through others. I am a person who wears another's shoes easily. This entire set is dedicated to those who I have watched struggle while being in their own desert, who have found God, or meaning to make it through the desert climate."

Gustav Mahler (1860-1911)

Mahler was a late romantic Austrian composer and conductor who was quite successful in his lifetime. Yet, the status of being one of the highest performed and recorded composers did not come to fruition until after his death. He was the Maestro of Vienna court Opera for ten years, and converted to Catholicism from Judaism to secure his position there. Because conducting was so time consuming his compositions are few compared to his contemporaries, but they are very large in scale. "Urlicht," originally written for Des Knaben Wunderhorn was later incorporated into the 4th movement of Symphony number two. The poem and the setting are exquisite. A testimonial of how one person lives within a world of turmoil.

O little red rose,

Man lies in greatest need,

Man lies in greatest pain.

Ever would I prefer to be in heaven.

Once I came upon a wide road,

There stood an angel who wanted to turn me away.

But no, I will not be turned away!

I came from God, and will return to God,

The loving God who will give me a little light,

To lighten my way up to eternal, blessed life!

Here is what it sounded like!

Urlicht.mp3 16-May-2010 23:06 6.3M

I hope to always remember that my challenges and my blessings are what I make of them. I also hope to remember that where I stood last night was a direct result of a wonderful husband, a committed family, and years of great teachers and coaches.

I did not get here by myself. Or without the wisdom, that only challenges can bring.

reminiscing

2010-05-15T11:51:00.003-06:00

I love this photo! I have been arranging my photos, and printing things to scrapbook, and ran across this photo. It really is amazing how a photo can make you feel things. This photo, reminds me how sweet my life really is. :) Look at em...just look at em.

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-11T10:38:00.002-06:00

I absolutely love Mother's day. The whole idea of it. Not the gifts, not the pampering, but a day to remember that once upon a time I wondered what my children would be like, and then the day came when they arrived and the guessing was over. I am more grateful for my children with each year, I am grateful for the challenge, and grateful for the opportunity to look beyond myself and my own needs. I live for their curious adventures, I love their friendship, I love that they are happy, that they build, that each day is new with them. I love watching them with their father, I enjoy that they are children who love others, who laugh frequently, and know when I need them to focus and be behaved.

Mother's day also gives me time to think about the other mothers that surround me. My own, who is a giver, who is sweet, who knows me very well. Who understands that sometimes I need a firm tough love, and other times I need to be given something to ease my burden so that I can work harder. She did not have an easy time raising children, she worked most of my life, sometimes two or three jobs. She still had time to make sure that my sister and brother and I were taken care of, and that we had piano lessons, voice lessons etc.

Aiden 5 days old
Oliver, just out of the womb
Oliver 5 days old
Aiden just out of the womb, with my mother's beautiful hand.

I am grateful to be a mother. I am grateful to other mother's who have helped me along the way, and grateful to my husband.

Curls...

2010-05-04T20:45:00.005-06:00

I get exactly 26.009875 comments a week about my children's hair. And I have to conquer with them. These curls are the curls of serious mischievous cuteness. After the life of the Prioress in Dialogues of the Carmelites, I have had some quality time with these curly headed mugs, and I am pretty grateful that they came to us.

I also have been warned that if I cut their hair it will never be curly again...an old wives tale? Whatever happens, I just want to make sure I document this part of their life. Thanks to a certain sister in law of mine who is always thoughtful to our mother in law for mother's day, I took these pics for her. Man they have cute hair.

Today in the tub, while the leave in conditioner did its thing, I heard them working their toys. They were giving their toys jobs and when the toys fulfilled the job they earned money in the form of spongy animals. I then heard Aiden explaining why one toy received a lesser pay. I am slightly worried, and think I will lay off the explaining of why we must work to live...he's five. I can't decide if it's cute or sad. That's the way my emotions work. On one hand I would like to feel grateful that he understands that our house and food is not free. On the other, I don't want him to break any laws and get arrested for HR laws to toys. :)

Let's get personal

2010-04-26T08:16:00.003-06:00

It's early on a day that feels gloomy somehow. I had the high of my life, and now get to sit in bed and enjoy my kids, and soak in the work I have done. I then read my good friend's blog and decided to take the challenge.

1. When do you feel happiest? when there is balance in my life. Balance changes from day to day. Balance requires choosing which gossip session I will walk away from, or which obligation can't be of importance for the sake of what is more important at the moment. It means that many times I am letting someone down. But if I am not balanced then I have nothing to give to my children or spouse. I also feel that there is emotional balance, physical balance and mental balance.

2. How do you take care of yourself? taking care of myself lately means adapting. Seriously adapting. I used to be able to exercise in the morning and that was awesome. Now that I get home at 11 after rehearsing that is impossible...now I adapt by finding a way to fit it in with the kids, extra walks, bike riding etc. Exercise and nutrition is the number one way I attempt at taking care of myself, if I eat well, I usually feel better.

3. Are you internally (by yourself) or externally (by others) motivated? This question is hard, because it completely depends on the scenario. I am internally motivated to have a happy home life and find balance completely from within. When I see others being unfair or intolerant or rude, it motivates me to be more kind. My singing is completely motivated by my own expectation.

4. What do you do for fun? It usually involves my husband and children. Whatever whenever we can steal even 30 minutes to just enjoy each other, that is fun to me. I also enjoy my new sassy gay friend Michael who makes me laugh for hours.

5. What intimidates you? CONFLICT> ANGER. When someone is angry at me it shuts me down entirely, it is almost like there is a void, and I can't even think.

6. What is something you are proud of? I am proud of my husband! I am proud of my resilient nature.

7. finish this sentence I never enjoy doing laundry.

8. Favorite vacation spot? Crusted Butte Colorado. It's a magical place.

9. Today is a? (rate from 1-10) Lets be honest it's too early. But if I were to guess, it would be like every other day I live. There is at least one tantrum, three fights, one whine fest and endless nagging in my brain to be a better mom, more prepared, more organized, more patient, have more energy....etc. But, since we have jobs, and food in the fridge and gas in the car it will probably be a 7 or 8.

10. finish the sentence: if you knew me really well you would know that music is a spiritual experience for me. Any genre, and church hymn, church service or theater can be a place for extreme joy.

The wig...

2010-04-23T09:35:00.002-06:00

Ask and you shall receive....

Madam Mim (English)

2010-04-22T10:18:00.001-06:00

After my final dress rehearsal last night, we all concluded that with my wig I am in fact the Madam Mim.

Enjoy....

Get your tickets!!!

2010-04-12T07:40:00.002-06:00

Friday the 23rd of April, (next Friday) I will be singing at Kinsbury Hall...get your tickets here:

http://www.kingsburyhall.org/

The opera, Dialogues of the Carmelites, is a libretto written about actual women during the French revolution. I have never loved a piece as much as this. I have never found a greater reason for the preservation of opera than in this heroic story.

There has not been a rehearsal, where I have left without crying, embracing everything I love about my life, and the sacrifices made in history for people like myself to live a life with rights. Especially religious rights.

This excerpt, is a Metropolitan Opera production with fabulous singers sung in English, our production will be in the opera's original language; French. The production below, although done very well, does not have the same power as the French. There will be supertitles for anyone who needs a translation.

The composition itself is frantically tonal, with an atonal spice that doesn't bother the listener in the slightest. In fact, for such a story of trial and heroism, it demands a tonal center slightly off skew. One must listen to such music, and never really know what will happen next. There is however very melodic moments sung by each character that the audience will take away with them, singing themselves. The orchestra is used in such a divine way...it is truly a masterpiece.

I have been challenged, and pushed beyond belief in the role I have prepared. I am grateful for this incredible experience. The character I have had the great honor or preparing is a woman of wisdom and strength, who in her final moments of life still has the courage to say:

"Dieu se florifie dans ses saints, ses heros et ses martyrs. Il se florifie aussi dans ses pauvres"

"God derives great glory from his saints, from his heroes and his martyrs. Also from the poor, the meek and the humble."

"Oh! il y a bien des sortes de pauvrete, jus qu'a la plus miserable!"

"Oh! There are many was of being poor, down to the worst and most painful!"

Day of leisure.

2010-04-09T22:57:00.004-06:00

Once a week I take the boys to do something of leisure. I stop everything I am thinking, planning or preparing for and just enjoy them. This past week I took them to the zoo. As I watched them I realized that my gratitude for them surpasses any measure. The joy I feel from their conversations, their excitement, their ability to resolve conflict...I really never thought that having an opportunity to have children would be this rewarding.

Big decisions

2010-04-01T14:48:00.002-07:00

I have been given the opportunity to sing in Italy this summer. I am dieing inside. How do I make such a big decision? I have weighed the pros and cons over and over until I am tired. I will have the opportunity to work with some of the biggest names in the industry, and my children would be able to come, and two people have more than happily decided they would come and help me parent.

The problem: My life is what it is because of a Ryan. He has been the stability, the rationality, and compassion I have needed to actually fully succeed at my craft. He will not be able to come, maybe for a week, but we can't afford him to come. To think that he would be able to afford it would somehow feel entitled to both of us; seeing that we have young kids, we are just starting out in life the economy is not great, and we save for retirement...

Problem two: I have to learn the music...which takes hours, hours that are taken away from my family. I really get it. YOU NEVER GET THE TIME BACK WITH YOUR CHILDREN. I relish in my children, I love them, and when I am away I am constantly thinking of how I can be a better mother.

I have till Friday....

A perfect day for skiing.

2010-03-27T21:11:00.006-07:00

We decided to take the kids skiing again. The weather was perfect, and the boys were so well behaved and had so much fun. We needed some serious food half way through the day but skied until 4. It was at that point that both boys cried big tears over having to go home. We started at 9:45, we were some pretty happy campers. I took a run, with my new knee,...there are no words. It was a wonderful, and spiritual experience. I am so grateful. Especially for Ryan, he is the best friend I always wanted, and needed...we had such a great day. watching, learning, listening, and enjoying.

eeeek!

2010-03-26T08:15:00.003-07:00

I have had my first Utah opera rehearsal. Just yesterday I sent in my bio and my head shot!

I am so grateful so grateful so grateful!

Here is where you buy tickets:

http://www.utahopera.org/concert-detail.php?id=178

See you there.

The benefit of the doubt.

2010-03-22T07:51:00.002-07:00

Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone gave each other the benefit of the doubt?

I have actually reached a point in my life where I find the cattiness, and constant questioning of someone's actions funny. Maybe it is because I can finally see that only miserable people question someone's kind motives, and only jealous and unhappy people give with ulterior motives. Not that I am laughing at their unhappiness or very painful jealousies, I am just laughing that I or someone else becomes the entire issue of their problems.

It's actually called projecting.

For years, I wasn't able to identify this behavior. I squandered, thinking that their issues really were my problem. I had somehow done something to deserve being treated the way I was being treated.

In the industry I work in jealousy can become a dangerous virus...and something that entitles another to be rude or leash out when the opportunity presents itself. The behavior, fueled by jealousy becomes disguised with things that sound like certifiable reasons to project or be unkind to another person.

Recently a very Jealous person leashed out at me, and attempted to make digs at me...I appreciated her work, and her artistry. I thought she was a fantastic singer. so, I sent her info to a place I sing frequently and they hired her to sing a gig with me. When we sang the gig, she was dumbfounded at why I would send her info and route for her to get a job. She was amazing...maybe I should not have given her the opportunity, but correct me if I am wrong...we are here to celebrate the strengths of others.

It is a lesson I am grateful for, and I am grateful to recognize and have the wisdom to not take on another's problems. That's just it. Jealousy is the most transparent of all emotions. Sarcasm followed by jealousy is even more transparent.

Even more recently I took someone dinner who was having a hard time getting through a cold and some deadlines. Once again my intentions were up for question. I don't need a celebration, and appreciate being thanked....but more importantly don't question my motives.

I don't ever have an agenda...or a motive. I am a simple person who really does celebrate difference, and can enjoy people for who they are.

From the age of 5 I have understood suffering more than others. And therefore I give in hopes of making the world a better place. That is all.

Oliver and the great resistance to be three.

2010-03-14T23:11:00.010-07:00

The day of Oliver's birthday he insisted that he was in fact not a year older. He said "what is so bad about being 2 I don't want to be three..." "Oh yeah" I said, "why" "because holding up three fingers is too hard." So we worked on it, and wouldn't you know it...he did it for CHUCKEE!

Oliver is the glue of our home. He is Aiden's best friend. He is the humor we often need. He is the child I would have prayed for, had I known what I needed.

When we celebrated his birthday there was a short moment where I looked at the family that Ryan and I had created and felt a completeness one can't describe. But it has nothing to do with number, gender, or physical things we own. It is the precious relationships we have with each other.

Leave it to a giant mouse and an older brother to convince the Oliver that being three is totally cool.

Oh we love our Oliver.