Optimism and the power of the present: being conscious.

This year I was selected as one of 12 national finalists in a very competitive competition. The competition was in Portland Oregon. Without hesitation, I agreed to compete, and decided to make a family vacation out of it. So while I sang for my future, my family went to the zoo. 

I felt like that was a fair trade off; while I sing under high stress situations, they can go observe animals that may or may not be stressed by being in captivity. 

The kind of advice I get in my career field sometimes makes me question a lot of things.  Many people feel that if you can imagine yourself winning, somewhat like "The Secret" you cannot fail, or be turned down for first prize.  Others feel that one must slave away, constantly berating one's self until every single second is perfection. Therefore, perfection will present itself when you sing and of course perfection beats out all of the competition. I tend to think that one must practice until close to perfection and then send the commands and get out of the way, so the artist and inspired human being can emerge through the sound.  All these opinions and no real strategy, can sometimes leave someone entering a competition feeling a bit frantic.  One is optimistic, one is a realist or perfectionist and mine is a culmination of both(sort of)  I have somewhat learned along the way that if I want to perform well I must be very prepared, and also a dreamer...I have never studied this, just come to it from learning in the present moment. 

Watch this:

Fascinating right?  A mere optimist fails to have the information and facts, and a realist becomes depressed!! But an optimist who takes information and continues to make choices based on data....are a bit happier. Fascinating.  By sheer life experience, and perhaps my attention to stay in the present moment, I have been capable of achieving my goals as a mother and singer/teacher.  In fact, it is the one thing I stress continually with my private students.  To get the information, do the work, remain optimistic, and stay in the PRESENT moment.  The present mind has far less to analyze and work through than the one that is constantly pining over the past or worrying about the future.
As a singer, thinking too much about the past clouds judgment and the ability to send the proper commands from the brain...as a mother, it complicates every situation. A simple tantrum becomes a giant one that combines the past three, and suddenly I worry about them breaking the law.  It does not serve the mind.

 When I have found my moments of "flow" it has always been when I remained optimistic while knowing facts that affect my choices, and STAYING present. Since the NOA competition, (which was a huge moment for me where a room full of teachers stood and screamed and applauded me,) I have received 3 standing ovations. I wish I could say that I remembered any of those performances. In fact I just remember being in sheer bliss and then looking up to see an entire concert hall full of standing people. Moments later, I step into my great reality which is motherhood, or professor or wife, and the present is then about the flow of that awesome moment. (I HAVE MY MOMENTS OF BEING NOT SO GREAT AT THIS)

If my students, or children could take from me one simple thing, it would be the culmination of these three things.  Always searching for truth and facts relieves the mind of wrongful optimism, and assures the reality not to be pessimistic.

I don't believe that we can 100% control outcomes. I made the top 5 but did not win...was it that I am too much of a realist?  Should I have imagined it happening over and over for months?  I am not sure. What I do know, is that I am in control of what dimension I put my conscious mind in.  The present moment is far easier to enjoy, and navigate choices and reactions.  When I sang for the NOA, I sobbed in the bathroom afterwards because it was a transforming experience. I was in a state of complete flow. What was in my control was easy to access.  And that is not very stressful.

 Just look at all these faces, you decide if they look stressed? Children are often the greatest teachers of the present moment and their optimistic attitude is often strengthened by knowledge...and so, are animals.

My kids bounced up the stairs after having gone to the zoo and told me all about their experience. They Noticed my present dissapointment and continued to comfort me.  Being loved by them made it all okay. The other realization about optimism, and a real awareness, is that I knew the facts going into the competition; my chances of winning were slim, but my ability to do my best and take things up a notch was not slim.  The information softened the blow a bit.  But nothing comforted me like the sweet serenity of my family.

Cheers!

Aiden is 8

Luckily, both of our boys wanted a Minecraft party...as I stated in Oliver's birthday post, there are, in fact, no stores that sell birthday Minecraft parties. So I went to work and made all of the supplies for their party.  I found ideas on line and asked my computer savvy husband to make them. Then we just printed them. I actually had a fun time making them.  While I was making them, both of our boys recognized that I had put a lot of time into it, and they were both so genuinely grateful.  I didn't get a picture of Aiden's cake...boo.  His birthday was a really great day. Being 8 is awesome, and I am so grateful for him.

Every year I wonder if throwing them a party is spoiling them...and I get all weird in my head about it...but every year I ask them if they would rather have a party or a big gift,  and every year they both want a party with their friends.  I make their favorite food, and a home made cake...and then on their actual birthday I make them their favorite breakfast.  I think if they expected it and weren't grateful, I would change my mind about it. But they are always so grateful and good to their friends.  They Have their moments of being terrible and a bit spoiled...and that is when I make sure to check with my good friends at "love an logic"...

Invitations

More of the invitation

goody bags and juice up close

the take home treat table

Creeper cupcakes

Push up/father son dolphin contest.

Ollie is 6

Oliver wanted a Minecraft party this year...and so did his older brother. NO stores sell Minecraft birthday supplies,...so, I spent an entire week making all the decorations.  Oliver loved every minute of his party.  And I love him as a 6 year old.

I can't get enough of that face...!

Careful the things you say....

Children will listen.


We decided to put our kids in a private Christian school this year.  It is a fascinating, and beautiful thing.  Sometimes my kids will come home exclaiming that they, as a class, prayed for me.  I heard that one child asked for his mother to have less of a temper, and so they prayed aloud for the child's mother. OR they will openly admit to their classmates that they want to pray for their dad to be done with school. (ahem, yes, that would be us)

 I actually went to a christian private school for a couple of years in elementary school.  But I don't remember what I prayed about, or remember us praying...unless you count my blurting out in class to save the puppies in our back yard.

Better yet, it is a non-denominational school, so, they are surrounded by Christian diversity. Some may debate whether that is diversity...I agree in many cases. Their best friends' mom plays in a rock back at a church. We are very close...very different, but share one important common belief...the whole God is lord, and Jesus is king thing.  But she and I also share the sometime-we-forget that our kids are permitted to praise God and pray for people openly in school.  Parent teacher conferences begin with a prayer, and the teacher thanks the creator for being given the opportunity to teach my child.  IT is still an adjustment for me. A wonderful adjustment.

The very best thing about this school, is their biblical plays.  They have a bible verse every day and act it out, at Christmas and Easter they have programs. I fight big tears before, during, and after...because children do in fact listen to the largest, and  most important aspect of God's teachings.  And, they don't feel the need to be perfect, so the skits, and talents are priceless.

 Christmas Program. This was exceptional!

The cloud at the talent show almost stole the show, but then,  one must take into account that 5 year olds were re-enacting the bible before truly claiming such a thing!

I know my children are listening...and more importantly, I am. My heart gets a bit skippy when I hear them talking about the lessons they are learning.  For the moment I am very excited that they believe no challenge is too great, or too small for god. They often pray about things over dinner that makes me chuckle...I wish I had less pride and could pray about things like organizing my homework in my backpack, or the ability to eat my vegetables without gagging...

Maybe I should be listening....

At the talent show, he is such a ham.

Best friends...for life.

Our boys stood together and sang their favorite song for their talent (which of course google will not let me upload)....Oh boy, I am listening, I am listening..

jumblings

Today marks the eighth year, of me being successfully induced into the magical world of motherhood. It was exactly this time, in the month of March, that the adrenaline wore off, and reality set in. Eight years ago. I stopped being driven by that magical hormone that the cerebral cortex had created for the survival of the fittest. I stood in front of a mirror completely refreshed from a shower, when alas, I heard the screaming of my newborn child. Screaming that meant, I need something and the next few hours of your life, will be completely devoted to my needs. It felt like an hour just to get clothes on fast enough to get to my sweet little newborn boy.  I scooped him up, fed him, burped him, and went downstairs to make dinner for my spouse.  Then, I put him in a bouncy chair and sang to him while I prepared dinner. Before I knew it, I stood gazing over him...and time stood still.

Surprisingly, I have those moments often.

Today, I had the recollection, yet again, of that moment, when real motherhood set in.  When the recovery time was over and it was time to take care of me, and be a mom. Some people make it look effortless. I feel like a sinking ship, often.

I keep about my day, by being absolutely present, at whatever I am doing. When I am present, I don't really feel like I am succeeding at all.

But then, I kick up my feet and think about my day when the house is quiet and I have only my thoughts. I remember listening to everything my eldest said about a memory in first grade. I only gave them my best listening ear as they practiced piano and did their homework. I remember stopping everything I am doing to brush off the youngest's funny bone collision.  I remember being truly humbled by kind words at work, or listening with my ears and heart to a struggling student. As I practice a phrase that is not working, and I remember turning it all off and staying completely focused...

As my day is progressing, I feel like a sinking ship...as if I haven't devoted anything to one specific thing, and so therefore I couldn't possibly be doing anything right. Don't you have to throw yourself completely at one specific thing to be successful at it?

I am plagued by this nagging voice that says, "oh yeah" what exactly are you doing???? You are doing a million things, are you really doing any of it well? You work out, eat well, and have no trophy's or plaques to show for it.  You have been chasing the same 30 final pounds of weight loss for years. You give lots of time to your children, but have to work.  You teach, but haven't surrendered your entire life to academia....You have a great voice, and wonderful work ethic, but don't have any professional recordings with your name on it...the list goes on....

Once upon a time, I gave up everything to be a mom. SOLELY. It was amazing. But one day, someone, who was mean, and didn't think things through changed our life in a second. There I was with two small children, a husband without a job, no insurance, and anxiety that would not end...and I swore I would put my husband through school for a more reliable, and secure future.

But I did more than commit to putting my husband through school. I obtained a master's, became a professor, worked with the world's best voice clinicians, and in two weeks will be heard for one of my favorite opera Roles EVER.  A person who hires singers is actually considering me for something serious. And the compliments about my parenting are frequent. Especially from my children. I have made a conscious effort through it all, to let them know, that they come first. I wish I could say that this is bragging, but for me, it is actually with complete humility. For I have no idea how I am doing it all. I have spent so much time focusing on the present moment, that sometimes I forget that two months ago I was considered one of the best voices in a very competitive competition.

Today, I failed to stay in the present moment. I allowed myself to indulge in the idea of stressing about the future.

As I stood singing at the piano, and thinking far too much about the near future, the words "you could totally fail" slipped past my conscious mind.

I still don't have the answer of why I do so many things. For now, I can. When I stay in the present moment, I don't feel afraid of failing, or know that I am limited. Because I am just there, enjoying this ride that the good Lord has given me. It is a great ride.

And more often than not, the smell of my kid's heads, the sound of their laughter, the sweetness of their voices as they talk to each other, is all I need for time to stand still.

When I see the good Lord once again, I know that he will be proud of me. And that is what I want more than anything....for my heavenly father to be proud. To know that no matter what, I really didn't get much of what I WANTED, but that I made the very best of everything that I received. The balancing act I am in is hard. But allowing myself to feel negative about it, and bring my own spirit down, would surely not make anyone, including myself proud.

And as I type this I am humbled again, by those whose voices I hear often.  "Only the Lord knows what we need, when you surrender, sometimes what you need, is not what you want. Only he, your creator can know that."

So, all these hats I am wearing were given to me for a reason. And, only can I truly do it, and enjoy it, if I surrender to whatever present moment I am in....

Christmas 2012, in a nutshell...A walnut shell...

Sometimes I spin about in my daily routine making sure that all things are intact with many philosophical rantings afoot in my brain. The morning routine of nurturing self accountability to get dress and do the hygiene things, without mom nagging.  The afternoon routine of play hard, homework, practice piano, dinner, bedtime routine, and of course the "world famous lullabies" as Aiden calls them.  "Mom I may need a lullaby into my year of turning 8."  But when Christmas break comes along, suddenly there is time to enjoy the very things that make all the routine happen...

This Christmas was one I will remember forever. When a child has the ability to truly comprehend the heartache of the world, and the true surrender to the people of Jesus Christ.

A child who has everything, that can comprehend giving of everything so that humans can regain a sense of the love that God has promised, and freely gives.

We sat Christmas Eve talking about the tax code, and the overturning that took place when Jesus found the taxing of the poor to be so unfair. Yet, as I sit there explaining the idea of the tax to my children, my facebook feed was still alive with the rantings of those who are angry that some are not taxed. I used pez to demonstrate the unfair taxing. Then we read several scriptures.

His doctrine has never changed.
Humans can still be intolerant.

Christmas morning we opened gifts. This year we began new traditions. One of which was putting an ornament on random gifts underneath the tree...when we received a gift with an ornament attached, we had to say something specific that we were grateful for, especially, something that brought us closer to Jesus.

Oliver said he was grateful for Jesus, because he was able to be forgiven. That because Jesus is so wonderful he was forgiven of his crabbiness, and when he screams at his brother.

Aiden was thankful because Jesus brought peace to the earth, and still does.....

Ryan said, that he was thankful for Jesus, because he gave him a family...

I had to hold back tears, I am thankful for Jesus, because he teaches me ever day, that love is the best educator on earth.

I could not have asked for a better Christmas this year.  The music, the food, the family, the friends, and more importantly the blessing on earth.

I took several pics...but who has time, when dinner is in the oven and just about to burn!!!!

Audition #1

After finishing a fairly acceptable demo CD, vamping up my resume and sending several packets to opera companies, I received my first email...an offer for an audition in Delaware.  Then I remembered that a good friend of mine lived in Philly...it was a two-fer.  So I flew out to Philly and stayed with my friend, and then had my first grown up audition on a Saturday morning.  It went really really well.  Sadly, after looking at their website I realized that I was not cast in the role. But it was an amazing experience.  I got to see good friends, my Alma mater, and my voice teacher at Westminster.  I found out that I am capable of things I didn't realize...and that I love being a mom more than anything.  I was grateful for a supportive husband who sent me off to sing, and knew that if I didn't get the gig, I had a happy life. 

The drive to the audition. There was really bad traffic in Philly and I was late for the audition. They didn't care though

My friend's house,...so beautiful I love trees. A lot.

Reunited after so many long years.  Seeing him was so wonderful. He and his partner have an amazing life together, and just moved to Chicago to teach at Northwestern University. So happy for them!

I forgot how beautiful the east coast was.  So great to be back after so many years.