20/20

I have often heard that hindsight is 20/20. Yet, I am quite naive to this saying. I don't think I have truly experienced hindsight, that is until this year.

My first son's birth was down right excruciating. The nursing staff at the hospital I had him at were rude. I being a peace maker had convinced myself that I should be walked all over, spoken down to and treated with less because well, why else would paid professionals be so rude? I decided to make the peace. When I say rude I don't mean funny looks or changing my sheets in a way I disagree with. I mean abrasive, disrespectful and self righteous.

Flash forward 5 years. I had a person vent to me about a job they had where the staff was ridiculous. Children died and no one took accountability, nasty rude things were said and done to patients...and this person while watching was told to keep their mouth shut. *****This was the exact hospital I had my baby. I had chills up and down my spine. He/She proceeded to tell me that they would make someone's experience harder if they didn't like them. Especially if they were fat.

20/20 My gut told me that what was happening was not appropriate. I have been raised to be polite, give people the benefit of the doubt and not make waves. Yet I didn't really need someone to tell me what they were doing was inappropriate, I experienced it first hand.

I walked into rehearse with a colleague and there sat a familiar face. I couldn't remember where I had seen this person. It was daunting. Several days later I would learn that this person was the one who ratted me out at the Met Competition. Who ran to people and exclaimed that my dress was offensive. By offensive I mean a full blown opera gown that showed nothing. Wait! It showed my shoulders. This was an opera competition. A place where 90% of the men who are baritones sing Don Giovanni, the character of a rapist. If anyone had translated, well, I am sure it would not be allowed.

6 years later I see that familiar face again. There it is, and hindsight kicks in. The women who forced themselves upon me and made a scene and told me I could not compete were nowhere to be found. I could not see them. That is until that familiar face took a special interest in me, and knew that I was in the top of my game.

7 years later I would be studying with someone who asked me if I was going to do the met competition. I explain that I have passed my age limit, and that I honestly have no desire. He then asks why. I explain. He gasps! That was you!!!!! You are the one who was mistreated, and thrown from the game because of a dress!! He is furious. He then explains all the changes made in the competition because of such a situation. He then talks to me about my personality. He also exclaims that had he been my teacher he would have gone directly to the judges, the people running the competition and asked for clarification about my clothing.

Hindsight is simple. The answer is always blaring you in the face. But what about when you are vulnerable, or at the mercy of others to take care of your needs?

In several moments of my life I have been the recipient of ill treatment. I am sure everyone has. However the hindsight has brought me to my knees a lot lately. What is so clearly inappropriate is sometimes the very thing that has the power. No one wants to confront the power, or give it a reason to be more abrasive. I have had several opinions about both circumstances and none of them really ever provided any peace. In fact, they led me to believe that there are people who think you can control nothing. Others who believe you can control everything, and those like myself who just try to make sense of it all. In the end, there really is no sense in any kind of mistreatment.

I was given a firm talking to about my peacemaking personality by my voice teacher. I was not offended, or taken back. It is something I know about myself. It is true, I will step out of the way so that someone else can succeed if it means I don't have to deal with confrontation. But it just left me with more questions.

Hindsight is 20/20 because you remove the confrontation. You actually are not staring the person in the face who is mistreating you. You have the ability to think rationally.

I am left with a humble presence. I do know what is in my control, and am very aware of what is not in my control. What has been missing for so many years is the belief that I can overcome obstacles created from things that are not in my control. I also know that blessings come in the rarest forms.

Truly, I am sad for people who have no idea what it is like to win fair and square. who don't know how to rise above their own judgement and look for the beauty in a person. I was a fat girl. I have pictures to prove it. Yet, when I was handed a child my love was neither fat nor thin. My ability to raise a child had nothing to do with my weight. My ability to overcome was within me further than skin deep.

I used to search for peace and understanding from others. I rarely do that anymore.

Now, I turn to the one person who understands cruelty more than any. Most of the time I just seek love. Comfort. I am not broken in the midst of struggle. Rather, honest enough to admit that within the current weak state, I need something more profound than my own knowledge or experiences. And that love usually feeds any need, or clarity that hindsight provides.

Good Ol' Gramps.

We finally decided to celebrate one our favorite people this year with a surprise birthday party. My grandpa is one of my favorite people on earth. He has wisdom, a keane sense of humor, and a heart like no other. EVERY time he sees us he cries, and by us I mean all of his grand children and great grand children. Actually none of the previous happen to be of blood. But we are his family in fact I never felt like I was anything but a grandchild of his own. He loves us and we adore him. We had been planning it for quite some time. When I asked him how he felt, he said "I am overwhelmed with emotion."


Here he is taking a peek at one of his prizes.


Me and my second cousin singing. I asked her for her help because I get very scared when I sing. She was very encouraging, and perhaps the MOST patient child ever.


My completely happy parentals, and totally smokin hot mom! Wow.


Children at play.


The two cake eating monsters. If only I dared put frosting on zucchini, celery...


Another one of my favorite people. A breath of fresh air I say. She made the mustaches during church. She had one on each finger...brilliant I say.


There is always fussing about music...but check it out. A family that truly makes music together.

The sound of a drill.

I have had hives for two weeks straight. Literally. Essentially I have been one gigantic allergic reaction from head to toe. Why do I blog of such triviality? Because this very situation is just like the greatest aha moment of my life. Where in my most vulnerable of life moments went into an operating room knowing I would be awake for the surgery. Where bone would be drilled, my own tissue would be extracted and hammered back into my knee.

In my very first consult about surgery, my surgeon expressly demonstrated his reasons for not having me go under. He assured me, that my voice was something to protect, unless I was seconds away from dying. If you have ever seen a nurse put the tubes down the throat to breathe for you, you can understand his reasoning.

On the operating table I am calm. The surgical gargin is going on as I lie waiting for the MOMENT I can't handle it anymore and tell them to knock me out. Just as my brain is calculating such measure, the nurse anesthetist begins speaking. "Now Aubrey, every person understands, and processes trauma in a different way. There are three crucial things to keep in mind. You will want to let me know when you become unsettled, nervous, or overly protective." Really? Why is that I ask? "Because those are the early signs of trauma." Oh...he then goes on to tell me exactly what to expect, how I can handle, and when I will need a sedative to get through the surgery.

This is that moment. The aha moment, where I understand the value of education, knowing what is in your control, and understanding physical limitations. Where the words "nervous, unsettled or overly protective" ring so clearly it's ridiculous. On the operating table there is Valium, in real life situations however you have the mind. I then begin asking him a lot of questions. About trauma specifically. He then fills me in with his life history, and then wants to know how much I charge for lessons. He has a young daughter who wants to sing. Then, we talk about music, how dedicated one must be etc. It's an incredible conversation. And believe it or not they are half way done with my surgery. As he continues speaking he reminds me that I can have Valium at any time. He also reminds me that I am doing so well. He then asks how is it, that you are hearing so much of this surgery but not reacting or worrying?

Two things: My iPod is playing my favorite classical music overhead. Nervousness comes from the unknown. Feeling uncomfortable or overly protective comes when you don't feel safe. I felt safe, I insisted on getting the doctor I wanted, and knew that I was well informed, and that the people making decisions on my behalf genuinely cared for my well being. I felt comfortable.

That's just it. Comfort in the midst of something so severe. A drastic, completely invasive surgery and I felt safe. Isn't that interesting.

I had hives for two weeks, but I felt safe. I was surrounded by people who genuinely cared for my well being. A spouse who did everything he could to help me stay somewhat comfortable. And then I remembered to ask more questions, get more facts, and once again it was my husband who put it all together. He diagnosed the problem.

But the biggest aha was when I realized that when we can anticipate, or are educated about a trauma we will encounter in life, it is easier to cope. When there is something unexpected or something that we have never endured who knows the gamut of emotions or lack of emotions one might experience.

When I was rolled into my recovery nook, there was Ryan with the brightest eyes looking at me. He told me how much he admired me. And then reminded me that the next few weeks were going to be hard. We talked again about what I was going to go through, how everything was going to be a challenge. The first steps I took after my spinal wore off, I stopped and immediately began sobbing. There it was, fear. Somehow, I forgot that I would have to be strong enough to do what I was so educated about doing. I looked up and there were those eyes, and I felt safe again. And then the pain made sense, the steps to the bathroom were daunting, but manageable.

That moment of feeling safe, sent me in a direction...

Now that I know what I am allergic to, and have a game plan I am more at ease. I have felt vulnerable walking around puffy itchy and allergic. I have been packed with obligations and singing gigs, and children to love, and the list goes on. But never once have I not felt safe.

That is the power of love.

Red Butte Garden

100

Schubert, Schumann, and Wolf all wrote 100 songs in one year. Their muses all different, yet it all began with a currant of inspiration. Although not the same year, they all had an extremely productive year of life, where every poem, anything closely related to that which corresponded to their muse resonated, and music was made. Not only that, all three will be noted throughout history for their impeccable detail, virtuoso piano skills, and intense detail to the poems they were setting.

It often is said that some composers are taking dictation, or writing down something ephemeral that only the great creator could know. I will have to conquer with such a statement. I have been looking for music that corresponds with my inspiration for my first recital. Upon searching I found the work of Hugo Wolf titled "Verborgenheit" translated "secrecy." Verborgenheit is one of Wolf's masterpieces created in that very productive year of life. The piano accompaniment is written so that one cannot really feel a true time signature. leading the listening ear to never feel a strong down beat. The melodic line never resolves in a true cadence, and the setting is brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Franz Schubert came across the poems of Wilhelm Müller a well known poet, and a contemporary. One of the cycles he chose to set to music was titled "Wintereisse" a story of a man who leaves his life to take on a journey through winter. His intra personal journey is vulnerable, and the setting is exquisite. After studying it in great detail, I have no doubt that Schubert was taking diction. At the end of the man's journey he comes a cross a man playing a hurdy gurdy and decides he would like to spend his life with "der Leiermann."

Schumann wrote an entire Cycle to his love Clara and sent it to her in the mail. He had clues throughout his music that would give her messages about his deepest feelings for her. In his year of productivity his muse was love. Something I find romantic and entirely worthy of such productivity. Clara was a very accomplished pianist and traveled frequently so his letters to her were his music. "Frauneliebe und Leben" is brilliant, a masterpiece and regarded for it's wonderful depiction of love in both piano accompaniment and vocal line. The entire cycle is written for her,

I often wonder if we will every see such productivity and inspiration from humanity. The classical and romantic periods are perhaps the richest times in music history.
And the poetry alike is brilliant.

Lately we have been spending a lot of time taking pictures and taking care of the snails. They are still alive, and quite interesting. They eat fruit, leaves, grass, and love to get out of their cage once in a while.


Blue Oliver


Paparazzi photo


AIDEN and Stuart


OLLIE and Stuart.